If I Had A Year to Live...

When I was younger, I made New Year resolutions only to have them evaporate after a few weeks. Using a matrix of goals, timetable, action plan and reward system, I would track my progress. I don’t do that anymore.

Realizing that life is too short for everything, I struggled with how to maintain a balance between what I like to do and what I felt I ought to do. I came up with a formula that works better for me.
If I had a year to live, would I spend 15 minutes doing this?

It works for me in situations where I have a choice. For example, how do I want to spend my time? Do I really want to be on that committee, attend that lecture or class, learn to play bridge? If I’m not actively enthusiastic about something or someone, I don’t do it.

I don’t have to beat myself up about the choice because for me, it’s obvious. One year, 15 minutes? Yes or no.

In situations where I don’t have a choice, there’s no conflict. I might procrastinate a little, but I do it because I know I’ll feel good afterward.

Try the formula. You can do it all year round without keeping track of anything. If it doesn’t work for you, you can always go back to resolutions.

If you knew you had only one year left to live , would you spend 15 minutes making New Year resolutions?

Happy 2012. May whatever you wish for be yours.

Bag Lady Fears: Rational and Persistent

Men, whether successful or not, don’t seem to worry about becoming destitute in their old age, invisible, unloved, roaming the streets, scrounging in garbage cans for food. But irrational as it may seem, successful women also suffer from bag lady fears.

Katie Couric, Gloria Steinem and Lily Tomlin admit to sharing this fear of becoming a bag lady. So did 48 percent of the 1,938 high earning women polled by Allianz Life Insurance in a 2006 poll. A stunning 90 percent of these high earners admitted to feeling financially insecure.

Many married women don’t have a history of understanding or managing money. They're not used to seeing the bigger picture. They think their husband is better at making the ‘really big’ money decisions. While they balance the household budget and decide what to buy, he handles the investments. If the marriage ends, they don't understand what he was doing financially. Often they find themselves responsible for financial decisions he made without their knowledge or participation.

The bottom line? Wives' financial decisions revolve around money spent and gone, not invested for growth.

Bag lady fears may be emotionally irrational for financially secure Katie, Gloria and Lily. Their fears relate to being out of control, of feeling weak and fearful that they can't make it on their own. For them, these are childhood tapes and no longer based on reality.

But for millions of women, divorce or widowhood is the wake-up call that they have to start thinking differently about money. Four in 10 marriages end before the 30th wedding anniversary. Only 16% of married women have a financial “Plan B” in case of divorce. The average age a woman is widowed is 56. Her average longevity is 84.

Every woman who isn't in charge of her financial life is at risk of being a bag lady if someone is planning her future. That makes the bag lady syndrome a rational fear which requires paying attention to now.

Marriage Doesn't Fix Problems

There’s nothing inherently natural about marriage. It doesn’t obey any laws of physics or cosmic order. Nor is it divinely ordained, or biologically inevitable.

It’s a cultural construct, useful for parenting, ancestral pedigrees and financial legacy. The scenario for how this coupling plays out depends on where we live.

In Western societies, we have choices about whom to marry and how to marry them. But there is only one truth that applies to them all. Immediately upon saying ‘I Do’, two people become one legal and financial unit – an official event that is recorded at the court house.

The government doesn’t care if our marriage is happy or not. The government tracks us, not to send us an anniversary card, but to collect its share of taxes. We’re a financial entity until one of three events happens – annulment, divorce or death.

So before you marry, keep in mind:


Marriage doesn't fix problems; it just makes them permanent. If you can't talk about money before marriage, it doesn't get any easier afterward.


It’s easier to get in than to get out. 


Whatever your spouse is doing, you’re doing it too, whether you know about it or not. 


Going into marriage, it’s all about love. Coming out of marriage, it’s all about money. 


Romance offers no protection. Financial intimacy does.

Fixing Congress

If you didn't get this in an email chain, here's your chance to help fix Congress.

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got" Winston Churchill

The 26th amendment (granting the right to vote for 18 year olds) took only 3 months & 8 days to be ratified! Why? Simple! The people demanded it. That was in 1971...before computers, e-mail, cell phones, etc.

Of the 27 amendments to the Constitution, seven (7) took 1 year or less to become the law of the land...all because of public pressure.
In three days, most people in The United States of America will have the message. This is one idea that really should be passed around.

Proposal for a Congressional Reform Act of 2011
1. No Tenure / No Pension. A Congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when they are out of office.
2. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security.
All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, and Congress participates with the American people. It may not be used for any other purpose.
3. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all Americans do.
4. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.
5. Congress loses their current health care system and participates in the same health care system as the American people.
6. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the American people.
7. All contracts with past and present Congressmen are void effective 1/1/12. The American people did not make this contract with Congressmen. Congressmen made all these contracts for themselves. Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, so ours should serve their term(s), then go home and back to work.
If each person contacts a minimum of twenty people then it will only take three days for most people (in the U.S.) to receive the message. Maybe it is time.

THIS IS HOW YOU FIX CONGRESS!!!!!
If you agree with the above, pass it on.

Financial Intimacy: The Business of Marriage

If you have a business partner, you expect to share information about your business. However, most of us don’t think of our marriage as a business although it has an eerily similar structure minus, of course, the love, romance and illusion of living happily ever after.

Consider that a business has income, expenses, assets, liabilities, taxes and net worth.So does a marriage. That’s why marriages need financial intimacy.We don’t start a business or go into marriage expecting that it might fail. But both fail at alarmingly high rates, albeit for different reasons.

It’s counterintuitive to think about widowhood or divorce when you’re getting married. Few women do. But I’ve written over the years that letting one partner manage all the money sets the other partner up for financial vulnerability. Too often, the partner with her head in the sand is the woman.

Being in love often makes rational thinking difficult and we trusting creatures make certain romantic assumptions. For example, we assume our mate is making financial choices that will benefit us both. Sometimes he is; sometimes he isn’t. Sometimes he assumes we don’t want to be involved. Other times, he doesn’t want us to be involved.

Here’s the bottom line: In the nine community property states (http://tinyurl.com/3rtr5j4),husband and wife share responsibility for financial decisions.

Do I understand what my partner is doing financially?

Do we regularly discuss our finances together?
How would I manage if I were widowed or divorced?

Do I sign documents without understanding them?

Do I know the location of all our financial records?

These five questions will give you a head start on practicing financially safe marriage.

Estate Planners and Parent Abuse

Parent abuse is a silent problem, widely prevalent but not widely discussed. Most information available about the topic deals with parents who abuse children rather than the opposite.

Parents who are bullied by their adult children have trouble admitting it; they may even deny that there is a problem. They feel depressed, anxious, and ashamed that they “didn't do the right thing” and that’s why they’re being abused.

Many parents put up with the bullying because they don’t want to end a relationship with a child whom they love. Some need their child’s help with care giving. Others fear their child’s unpredictable aggression if they speak up about their feelings.

Estate planners come across these painful situations when parents draw up a will. They often recommend that parents talk openly with children about inheritance plans, explaining their reasons about inheritance distribution. The rationale is that the bully will learn how deeply their continuing abuse hurts their parents or alert them to change their behavior in anticipation of future loss.

This advice feels dangerous to parents who live in fear of the next round of indignity. Odds are that the bullying child will become even more so. It’s sad, but staying silent about inheritance plans is a safety shield for abused parents, a way to regain a sense of dignity and self-esteem.

How much better to find the courage to say to a bully, any bully, “Back off, you’re crossing a line here” while you’re alive. For those whose courage fails them, their message will wait until they die.

The Poor Little Rich Girl’s Wedding

The bride-to-be lives in Singapore with her wealthy boyfriend. Before he proposed marriage, she earned $30,000 a year. With no college degree and minimum professional skills, there was little chance that she would ever earn more.

Financial Abuse is a Woman’s Problem

Many people Google the phrase ‘financial abuse’ and find their way to my website. I can’t tell how many of the searches are by women, but I’ll bet most of them are.

A Warning for Online Advertisers

If you block what I’m reading with a pop up ad, I’ll never buy your product.

If your ad precedes the video I want to watch, I’m off the site in a flash …and I’ll never buy your product.

If your ad starts with loud audio the second I get to the page, I’ll leave the page immediately to get away from you.

If your ad jumps up and down, waves, jiggles , beeps or flashes, I’ll boycott your product forever.

If I'm not on your subscriber list, you go straight into junk mail.

Show a little class, don’t intrude on my concentration, assume I’m as smart as you are. I’ll be so grateful for being treated like an adult that I might reward you by buying your product.

Mark Zuckerberg Expands His Horizons

It used to be enough to share your food with those less fortunate. Or say grace before dinner. Or become a vegetarian in recognition of the consciousness of the animals who die to feed us.

Not anymore.

There’s Something about Dominique

The facts aren’t all in yet, but let’s see if we can understand this so far.

The managing director of the International Monetary Fund, ex-finance minister of France and soon to declare his candidacy for the presidency of France, emerges naked from his luxury hotel bathroom,

It's Not about the Money

I once attended a workshop about money and the meaning of life. One of the exercises we did was chew a new $100 bill. Most of us gagged.

The purpose of the exercise was to demonstrate that money – the thing itself – is neutral. Pieces of paper, diamonds, chunks of gold and other things to which we assign worth have no inherent value in nourishing us, keeping us warm, or sheltering us.  In this exercise, money even turned out to be disgusting.

I returned from that workshop with a deeper understanding of how money is a vehicle of exchange for a wide variety of other things. It’s a mirror against which we see ourselves compared to others. It’s a metaphor we use to assign value to a person or thing. It shapes our identity, expanding or restricting access to  dreams and ambitions. Some people marry for it; others kill to get it.

Perhaps most important, money is leverage – the ability to shape our life based on “want to” choices rather than “have to” ones. It’s this leverage aspect of money that is often a trap in marriage.

The reality is, whoever controls the money in marriage calls the shots. That’s why it’s so important for you to participate and understand your marital finances. If you’re not involved, if you don’t want to be bothered with such an unromantic thing as money, if you’re too busy, or too trusting, you're being naive.

Can money make your marriage happier? It might, but not if you're at the wrong end of the lever.

Financially Safe Marriage

If you have a business partner, you expect to share information about that business. However, most of us don’t think of marriage as a business even though it has an eerily similar financial structure.

A business has income, expenses, assets, liabilities, taxes and net worth.So does a marriage. That’s why marriages, like businesses, need financial intimacy.We don’t start a business or go into marriage expecting that it might fail. But both fail at alarmingly high rates, albeit for different reasons.

It’s counterintuitive to think about widowhood or divorce when you’re getting married. Few women do. But I’ve written over the years that letting one partner manage all the money sets the other partner up for financial vulnerability. Too often, the partner with her head in the sand is the woman.

We trusting creatures make certain romantic assumptions about marriage. For example, we assume our mate is making financial choices that will benefit us both. Sometimes he is; sometimes he isn’t. Sometimes he assumes we don’t want to be involved. Other times, he doesn’t want us to be involved. I say 'he' because, most of the time, the uninvolved partner is a 'she'.

Here’s the bottom line: If you live in one of the nine community property states*,you and your marital partner share responsibility for financial decisions. The following five questions will give you a head start on practicing financially safe marriage...and business.

Do I understand what my partner is doing financially?

Do we regularly discuss our finances together?
Do I sign documents without understanding them?

Do I know the location of all our financial records?
How would I manage if I were widowed or divorced?

.
*Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, Wisconsin

Financial Intimacy: Five Points about Marriage

You romantics out there may not be happy with this blog. You may consider it in your face, the ranting of a realist , a cynic or worse, a misandrist . I apologize for shattering your illusions.

Financial Intimacy and Income Tax

There are no excuses after April 15.

My friend Betty has been divorced for three years. Her ex-husband is being audited by the IRS for tax returns dating back to when they were married. He always handled the taxes, and she just signed what he put in front of her. The government assumed that Betty, as an adult, understood what she signed and that the information is accurate.

When the letter arrived from the IRS informing her that she was liable for $54,000 of unpaid taxes, which they claim her ex-husband had failed to report, Betty was stunned. She is just getting back on her feet after a tough few years of trying to make it on her own. Learning about how to handle money after divorce hasn’t been easy for her. She had just let her husband do everything. She trusted him. Maybe they didn’t have the best marriage, but she had never doubted his honesty. Why would he under report income? Wouldn’t the accountant have known that?

Typically, your husband isn’t going to intentionally falsify information on the tax return. On the other hand, he might be doing exactly that. As soon as you sign, you’re agreeing to the accuracy of the information and the government assumes you understand what you signed. Accountants aren’t magicians or detectives; they work with the numbers you give them.

Betty is learning some facts of life the hard way. Accountants only know what you tell them. Signing documents without understanding them obligates you anyway. Divorce doesn’t protect you from financial activities your husband engaged in while you were married.

The point is you have to be involved in your marital finances. If your husband is doing it financially, you’re doing it too, whether you know about it or not. Before you sign the tax return, read it, ask questions, understand what’s in each column and don’t wait until the last minute. If you sign it, it’s a done deal.

As I said at the beginning, there are no excuses after April 15.

Trust, Husbands and Financial Advisors

A woman called into a talk show where the topic was marital fidelity.Saying she was done with men, the caller ended her commentary by asking "If you can't trust the person who takes a marriage vow with you, whom can you trust?"

I thought about her question as it applies to two professions dealing with money- financial advice and accounting.  No financial advisor takes a vow before taking us on as a client. We can't check a track record because the names of clients are confidential. We have no way of knowing how well the advisor does in an economic downturn.

Bottom line, we're working on trust - giving our money to a firm or individual whose caveat is that past performance is no indication of future results and counsels us on the risks of investment. The certificates on the office wall testify to completion of a course of study, not a grade for performance.

The same holds true for the accounting profession. Most accountants are good at what they do. But they depend on accurate input from us to help us with our tax return. The accountant signs the return based on trust that we've provided all the information we're required to provide. If we're filing a joint tax return and most of the financial information is handled by our husband because we don't "do taxes", we have to trust he has provided accurate information.

Trust is involved in a transaction with someone when we do not have full knowledge about them, their intent, and the things they are offering us.  However, when it comes to marriage, which requires no study, no training and nothing but a vow, trust is used interchangeably with love. Unfortunately, love is not a course of study and no one gets a diploma in the subject.

Before You Sign the Tax Return

Filling out your tax return is like looking at your complexion in a magnifying mirror. You get to see things that are not obvious unless you're taking a closer look.

The Nastiest Divorce in California, Part I

I have a friend whose husband left her after 30 years of marriage. He didn't actually just leave her.  He planned his exit very carefully.Because they had accumulated wealth together during their 30 years of marriage in a community property state, he worked with his lawyer and accountant to set things up financially to circumvent the 50/50 divorce distribution required by law.

Some Financial Advisors Ahead of the Curve

Over the years, I’ve met dozens of financial advisors in the San Francisco Bay Area. Most are just fine. They crunch the numbers and work the charts, and when markets do well, they can do no wrong. The true test of their relationship with their clients comes when times are bad -  When fear is high, loss is painful and trust is compromised.

Some financial advisors understand these pendulum swings in mood and confidence and use the undulations to think outside the box. I like to think of these firms who understand the soft side of financial planning as the harbingers of how business will be done in the future.

For example, Paul King, president of King Wealth Planning Inc. has been presenting community programs to educate and empower people , and especially women, about how to lead an enlightened financial life.  The cost of these programs comes right off King’s bottom line. But the good will it generates can’t be measured in dollars. It is measured in trust.

Can the firm point to a direct correlation between what the programs cost them and what they receive in return? Not yet, but I’m hoping the coming years will repay the firm with a cornucopia of business because of what they were willing to provide at the front end.

Another creative soft side approach is that followed by Lasecke Weil LLC Wealth Advisory Group, headed by Tracy Lasecke and Curt Weil. They know that baby boomers and their parents often find it difficult to begin the crucial conversations they need to have about planning. They also believe that training their own team in how to be more sensitive to intergenerational issues makes it easier for the planning process itself to begin.

You can learn more about the soft side of financial planning. It's as much about hearts as charts.

http://www.financialconversationswithheart.com

http://www.kingwealth.com.

http://www.laseckeweil.com

Marrying for Money 2011 Style

Marrying for money is back in style. Well, at least it's not the dirty little secret it used to be. There's a spate of new books to advise women who want to marry rich how to get their man.The recent issue of Town & Country Magazine devotes a whole issue to love, marriage and money.

None of the writers about love are sure what it is. They know what marriage is, and while no one openly admits that they married for money, most people aren't fooled when they meet the mate. For example, does anyone think that the 24-year-old engaged to Hugh Hefner, 60 years her senior, is marrying him to build a life together?

Daphne Merkin, rethinking her own refusal to marry for money, writes "If the man is rich enough, one overlooks - everything. He can be bald, hairy, have a stomach that hangs like an apron and be really under-endowed." She summarizes,"...there's a lot you'll have to stomach along the way but it will be easier if you keep your eye on the bottom line."

I've met women who won't admit that they married for money, but freely confess that they stay married because of the money. I remember a woman in one of my seminars who said “Am I happily married? That's beside the point. I know what I’ve got – and at least he has money." Many of the other women agreed with her. Another woman said  "Don't you feel like you sold your soul just for the money?"

Is there a difference between going in for the money and staying in for money? Is it wrong to feel that money makes someone more interesting? If marriage buys you a lifestyle you want, are you selling your soul if you’re opting for security and stability over romantic love and passion?

What would you tell your daughter?

Marrying for money is back in style. Well, at least it's not the dirty little secret it used to be. There's a spate of new books to advise women who want to marry rich how to get their man.The recent issue of Town & Country Magazine devotes a whole issue to love, marriage and money.

None of the writers about love are sure what it is. They know what marriage is, and while no one openly admits that they married for money, most people aren't fooled when they meet the mate. For example, does anyone think that the 24-year-old engaged to Hugh Hefner, 60 years her senior, is marrying him to build a life together?

Daphne Merkin, rethinking her own refusal to marry for money, writes "If the man is rich enough, one overlooks - everything. He can be bald, hairy, have a stomach that hangs like an apron and be really under-endowed." She summarizes,"...there's a lot you'll have to stomach along the way but it will be easier if you keep your eye on the bottom line."

I've met women who won't admit that they married for money, but freely confess that they stay married because of the money. I remember a woman in one of my seminars who said “Am I happily married? That's beside the point. I know what I’ve got – and at least he has money." Many of the other women agreed with her. Another woman said  "Don't you feel like you sold your soul just for the money?"

Is there a difference between going in for the money and staying in for money? Is it wrong to feel that money makes someone more interesting? If marriage buys you a lifestyle you want, are you selling your soul if you’re opting for security and stability over romantic love and passion?

What would you tell your daughter?

Financial Advisors and the F word

Oh, it's not what you're thinking. The F word I'm thinking about is fiduciary, meaning that your financial advisor is required to put your best interests as the client first, no matter what.

Divorce Isn't Always Personal

It started three years ago when Inge told her husband she planned a face lift and he told her they couldn’t afford it. She thought they could. She asked Harry to show her the books.   He got angry, called her a shrew, a nag, and an ungrateful bitch of a wife, then stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

I met Inge when she attended my seminar a few weeks after that incident. Recently, I saw her again on the walking trail. Animated and radiant, she looked years younger than I remembered her. She brought me up to date.

“After your seminar, I realized I had a legal right to know all about our marital finances,” she said. “At dinner that night, I told Harry that I wanted to participate and understand our marital finances. He gave me the same old stuff, told me not to worry, not to nag, just to trust him, blah, blah, blah.

“For the first time, I really lost it. I told Harry that since he wouldn’t share information, I was going to get it some other way. He didn’t believe me. He called me crazy, menopausal, said I needed a shrink. I threatened divorce, figuring that was the only way I was going to learn anything about our finances. Harry warned me that I didn’t have any money to pay for a lawyer.

“I searched until I found a lawyer who was willing to delay payment until after the divorce. He got a forensic accountant who dug back two decades for information about Harry’s business and investments, most of which I knew nothing about. By the time the accountant was done, Harry was pleading with me not to go through with the divorce. I told him it was nothing personal, but at that point, I wasn’t going back.”

Inge’s eyes sparkled as she continued.

“The divorce was final a year ago. For the first time in my life, I had money of my own. After paying the lawyer, the first thing I did was have that face lift.  I’ve also signed up for some business and investing classes.”

“ How is Harry doing with all this?” I asked.

“Well, I was mad at him, but still loved him. He’s a great-looking sexy man, we have the three children and we had a good life,” Inge said. “I just didn’t like how he lorded it over me about money. After the face lift, Harry kept telling me how beautiful I am, just like the girl he married, that he could never love another woman and would I consider getting together with him again. I said I’d consider it, but not without a prenup.”

Update? They remarried, with a prenup.