Saturday, July 2, 2011

Financial Intimacy: The Business of Marriage

If you have a business partner, you expect to share information about your business. However, most of us don’t think of our marriage as a business although it has an eerily similar structure minus, of course, the love, romance and illusion of living happily ever after.

Consider that a business has income, expenses, assets, liabilities, taxes and net worth.So does a marriage. That’s why marriages need financial intimacy.We don’t start a business or go into marriage expecting that it might fail. But both fail at alarmingly high rates, albeit for different reasons.

It’s counterintuitive to think about widowhood or divorce when you’re getting married. Few women do. But I’ve written over the years that letting one partner manage all the money sets the other partner up for financial vulnerability. Too often, the partner with her head in the sand is the woman.

Being in love often makes rational thinking difficult and we trusting creatures make certain romantic assumptions. For example, we assume our mate is making financial choices that will benefit us both. Sometimes he is; sometimes he isn’t. Sometimes he assumes we don’t want to be involved. Other times, he doesn’t want us to be involved.

Here’s the bottom line: In the nine community property states (http://tinyurl.com/3rtr5j4),husband and wife share responsibility for financial decisions.

Do I understand what my partner is doing financially?

Do we regularly discuss our finances together?
How would I manage if I were widowed or divorced?

Do I sign documents without understanding them?

Do I know the location of all our financial records?

These five questions will give you a head start on practicing financially safe marriage.

Estate Planners and Parent Abuse

Parent abuse is a silent problem, widely prevalent but not widely discussed. Most information available about the topic deals with parents who abuse children rather than the opposite.

Parents who are bullied by their adult children have trouble admitting it; they may even deny that there is a problem. They feel depressed, anxious, and ashamed that they “didn't do the right thing” and that’s why they’re being abused.

Many parents put up with the bullying because they don’t want to end a relationship with a child whom they love. Some need their child’s help with care giving. Others fear their child’s unpredictable aggression if they speak up about their feelings.

Estate planners come across these painful situations when parents draw up a will. They often recommend that parents talk openly with children about inheritance plans, explaining their reasons about inheritance distribution. The rationale is that the bully will learn how deeply their continuing abuse hurts their parents or alert them to change their behavior in anticipation of future loss.

This advice feels dangerous to parents who live in fear of the next round of indignity. Odds are that the bullying child will become even more so. It’s sad, but staying silent about inheritance plans is a safety shield for abused parents, a way to regain a sense of dignity and self-esteem.

How much better to find the courage to say to a bully, any bully, “Back off, you’re crossing a line here” while you’re alive. For those whose courage fails them, their message will wait until they die.