FICO Scores Don't Lie

You’re in love. He’s perfect. Likes the same things you do. You have fun together. You can stay up all night talking. The chemistry is unbelievable. Finally, a man who shares your values about life, work, children, family. You want to spend the rest of your life with him.

So now it’s time to talk about money, you know, beliefs, attitudes, expectations  and yes, FICO scores. You resist. How boring. Where do credit ratings fit into this picture of love? This is the conversation you really don’t want to have. But you have to have it.

Your score is 815. His is 682. FICO scores don’t lie. You're a good credit risk and he's not. His history with money is very different from yours...and so much of your shared future involves how you handle money.

Credit scores are a fast transparent look at how we conduct our money life. How much credit do we use? How much do we owe? How promptly do we repay our loans? How much do we repay at a time? How many late charges do we incur? What is our interest rate?

You know a lower FICO score equals a higher risk for lenders. That means higher interest rates for insurance, mortgages, credit lines. No, they don’t really know the man you love, and if they did, they’d know how perfect he is for you.

But maybe those lenders know something you don't. They’ve seen millions of people raise their FICO score when they start paying attention to the details. Maybe it would be a good idea before you say “I Do” to have this man you love demonstrate to you that he can raise his score.

It may not be romantic, but it’s definitely intimate…and a lot safer.

http://www.financialintimacy.com- protecting your financial interests in marriage

There's Nothing Romantic about Money

I met a financial advisor years ago who had the most seductively soothing bedside manner. He had been recommended by a friend who said this man was ‘really great working with widows’.

The advisor explained that it’s hard for women whose husband had managed the investments to understand how the market works. “Ultimately, it comes down to your peace of mind and the trust we establish in the relationship”, he said.

But given what I’d been through with my husband, clanging bells and caution lights flashed through my mind. The trust thing again – ‘Trust me honey’, ‘don’t worry about a thing darling’, ‘just relax and go shopping’, ‘I’ll take care of everything’.

I felt a faint tinge of romantic illusion still clinging to my liberated female psyche. How perfect  – someone to take care of everything so I can focus on living happily ever after.

But I know the real world doesn’t work that way. One thing I know for sure – there’s nothing romantic about money. Money isn’t about trust or being reassured that everything will be fine.

I believe in information, financial education, hard-headed realism, and planning for the worst. The worst, whatever that is, may never happen. But if it does, at least I’ll understand how it happened.

This particular advisor may relieve stress for many women who still live with illusions. I’m not one of them.

Money Is Not About Money

I once attended a workshop about money. One of the exercises our group of 50 had to do was chew a brand new $100 bill. Most of us gagged.

The purpose of the exercise was to demonstrate that money – the thing itself – is neutral. Pieces of paper, diamonds, chunks of gold to which we assign a cultural worth have no direct value in nourishing us, keeping us warm, or sheltering us.  In this exercise, money even turned out to be disgusting.

I returned from that workshop with a deeper understanding that money is a vehicle of exchange for a wide variety of other things. It’s a mirror against which we see ourselves compared to others. It’s a metaphor we use to assign value to a person or thing. It helps shape our identity, expanding or restricting our access to our hopes,  dreams and ambitions.

Perhaps most important, money is leverage – the ability to shape our life based on “want to” choices rather than “have to” ones. It’s this leverage aspect of money that is often a trap in marriage.

The reality is, whoever controls the money controls the lever and calls the shots. That’s why it’s so important for you to participate and understand the money in your marriage. If you’re not involved, if you don’t understand your marital finances, if you’re too busy, or not interested, you’re at the wrong end of the lever.

Consider this another a wake-up call.

Warren Buffett Does it Again

I've always admired Warren Buffett, not because of his wealth, but because of his common sense, decency, lack of pretension and sense of fairness. In an piece for the NYTimes, he writes that he believes he and other rich people should be taxed at a higher rate. http://tinyurl.com/cpdgrwx

He also never believed that giving money to his children equates with giving them love. He wanted them to carve out their own path and believed that "setting them up with unlimited wealth is harmful and an anti-social act."

His decision to donate nearly $37 billion to the Gates Foundation may have shocked the world, but it came as no surprise to his three children, whom he had consulted first.

"The truth is it would be insane to leave us that much money," said Susan Buffett. "It just would be."

Buffett gave $1 billion to his children's three charitable foundations: the Susan A. Buffett Foundation, which focuses on early education for children of low-income families; the Howard G. Buffett Foundation, which has helped 42 countries; and the Novo Foundation, Peter Buffett's organization for democracy. They each draw a salary from their work.

The Buffett kids grew up in a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house in Omaha Nebraska. They attended local elementary and high schools . Their friends were neighborhood kids who actually played without needing play dates or being chauffered from house to house. The Buffett kids grew up without pretension; money wasn’t the way they measured their parents’ love.

Each Buffett sibling received a letter from their father in which he wrote: "I consider myself lucky to have three children who want to spend much of their time and energy working on projects that will benefit others. I am proud of what you are doing and your mother would be proud as well. Love, Dad."

I like this man, in spite of his wealth.

The Business Side of Marriage

If you have a business partner, you expect to share information about your business. However, most of us don’t think of our marriage as a business although it has an eerily similar structure minus, of course, the love, romance and illusion of living happily ever after.

Consider that a business has income, expenses, assets, liabilities, taxes and net worth.So does a marriage. That’s why marriages need financial intimacy.We don’t start a business or go into marriage expecting that it might fail. But both fail at alarmingly high rates, albeit for different reasons.

It’s counter intuitive to think about widowhood or divorce when you’re getting married. Few women do. But I’ve written over the years that letting one partner manage all the money sets the other partner up for financial vulnerability. Too often, the partner with her head in the sand is the woman.

Being in love often makes rational thinking difficult. We women who love and trust our partners make certain romantic assumptions. For example, we assume our mate is making financial choices that will benefit us both. Sometimes he is; sometimes he isn’t. Sometimes he assumes we don’t want to be involved. Other times, he doesn’t want us to be involved.

Here’s the bottom line: In the nine community property states ,husband and wife share responsibility for financial decisions.

Do I understand what my partner is doing financially?

Do we regularly discuss our finances together?
How would I manage if I were widowed or divorced?

Do I sign documents without understanding them?

Do I know the location of all our financial records?

Download the ebook for $2.99 to get all the information about the business side of marriage.
http://www.financialintimacy.com/buy-the-book.html

Financial Abuse is a Woman's Problem

Many people Google the phrase ‘financial abuse’ and find their way to my website. I can’t tell how many of the searches are by women, but I’ll bet most of them are.

They search for information because they are trapped in relationships in which they fear their mate, or don’t know their legal rights. Perhaps they fear for their children and don’t know where to get help. They also know that their mate is capable of escalated abuse.

Many wives suffer in silence, thinking that such controlling behavior is a personality quirk. It’s not a quirk; it’s a sign and you should pay attention to it.  It’s not protective; it’s not loving. It’s a desire to control the relationship.

That’s why it’s important for women to understand that financial control can be a precursor to physical and emotional abuse. Women find out too late that the husband or boyfriend who won’t talk about money is saying “I’m in charge here and I refuse to discuss it”.

If you’re married and in a community property state, you are legally entitled to know what’s happening financially in your marriage.

Where do you draw the line?

You may know someone whom you suspect is financially abused. On the other hand, you may not know that your sister or neighbor, acquaintance or friend is a financial hostage because she won’t tell you. She’s afraid to rock the boat, fearful for her children, knowing that her hands are tied financially.

You may know her husband, and never suspect a thing. He’s not out of control or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He can be charming, an upstanding member of the community, the life of the party. He can also be a control freak with the intent to isolate his wife into a state of total financial dependence.

Signs of Financial Abuse

Controlling the finances.

Withholding money or credit cards.

Giving you an allowance.

Making you account for every penny you spend.

Stealing from you or using your money without asking.

Exploiting your assets for personal gain

Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)

If something about your relationship with your husband or partner scares you and you need to talk, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to Http://www.nrcdv.org

If you know someone who needs this information, please pass it on. It could be a life saver.

Love and 'Real' Diamonds

Can he really love you if he buys you a ‘fake’ diamond?

What is a ‘real’ diamond? Chemically, it’s a collection of tiny crystals of carbon which take millions of years to form. Physically, the diamond is a stone. Financially, it’s expensive. Emotionally, it’s become the symbol of love.

When diamond prices collapsed during the Great Depression, an advertising agency came up with the idea of linking diamonds to love. The larger the diamond, the greater the love.

Romancing the stone was a huge success, forever instilling in the consciousness of men and women that a diamond engagement ring means ‘real’ love and is a prerequisite to marriage.

Scientists now make diamonds in the laboratory by crushing carbon, graphite and a ‘diamond’ seed in a pressure cooker. Four days later, the crushed core is removed to reveal a man-made diamond inside. Identical to a mined diamond on all counts – structurally, optically and chemically.

Emotionally? Here lie the dragons.

Tiffany runs full page ads showing a diamond ring with the caption  “This is What Love Looks Like” and  “A Diamond is Forever’. Love is linked to this cluster of carbon – with no intrinsic value other than that it cost a lot to buy it.

I wonder how long it will take the ‘fake’ diamond industry to create an alternative narrative so couples can learn to start saving money before they marry.

Any ideas for an advertising campaign?

Can Marriage Survive Romantic Illusion?

Who is Robert Johnson and why should you pay attention to him?

Johnson is author of a trio of books, “He”, “She” and “We”. This trio of books should be required reading for couples. But chances are they’re not on your pre-wedding checklist.

That’s too bad.  You won’t find excerpts of these books in the bridal magazines. They’re too honest; too close to the bone in exposing the romantic illusions we bring into marriage. Johnson’s penetrating exploration of how romantic myths imprison us explains how we harm the person we marry. Here we meet our projections, illusions and shadows. 

Johnson believes four beings take vows at the altar: the bride and her shadow; the groom and his shadow. Each entity has a hidden agenda demanding attention.Caught up in the headiness and exhilaration of romantic love, we don’t know our shadows are there. But they come into the marriage relationship as major partners.

In “We”, he writes, “One of the glaring contradictions in romantic love is that so many couples treat their friends with more kindness, consideration, generosity and forgiveness than they ever give to one another.” 

In other words, romance is never happy with the other person as he or she is. Or, as a man I know said,” I don’t want to be friends with my wife; it would take all the romance out of our marriage.”

Can marriage survive romantic illusion? Read Johnson and you’ll understand why it’s easier to blame and shame than acknowledge our role in derailing our marriage. A word of caution: Johnson causes goose bumps of recognition.

A Painless Strategy for Long-Term Care Insurance

I'm constantly amazed by how little planning people are willing to do. Take long-term care for example. People will spend money on a cruise or two annually, yet ignore the fact that they may live longer than they think.  They may need assistance, either at home or in a nursing facility. A medical emergency could deplete their savings very quickly. The children they don't want to depend on will be forced to help with their medical costs.

I have a painless way for siblings to help parents who can't or won't purchase long-term care insurance. It's called the Latte LTC Savings Act.

If three adult siblings give up one latte daily, at a savings of $12 collectively, they will save $84 weekly. In one month, they will save $336 collectively. In one year, they will save $4032. That will buy LTC insurance for one parent for two years.

That's only one latte daily. What if they gave up three lattes a week and covered both parents. Run the numbers for yourself.

I don't sell insurance. I'm not a financial adviser. I'm not an economist. But this isn't rocket science . It's common sense that kids may have to make a small sacrifice to make sure they and their parents are not bankrupted by long-term care costs.

If your parents won't plan for themselves, you can do this for your parents. Everyone wins.

An Attorney Who Really 'Gets' It

The following is an excerpt from the website of estate planning attorney John Parr in Olympia, Washington:

"Estate planning is generally the same for men and women in terms of the paperwork. Each needs a power of attorney for health care and financial management, a will or revocable living trust, a health care directive, and other planning documents. BUT unique considerations affect how women should approach their financial and estate planning. 

Ninety percent of all American women will be making financial decisions on their own due to being widowed, divorced or unmarried. Also consider these complicating factors: (1) Women´s income is approximately 73% of men´s income; (2) Women may, on average, work fewer years than men due to family priorities such as caring for children and elderly parents; and (3) Women outlive men by an average of seven years. 

These circumstances require women to have a financial intimacy with their income and assets, be actively involved in the estate planning process, work with a financial planner to create a life expectancy cash flow analysis, and be actively involved in the management and operation of the family finances."


John was one of the earliest supporters of my work with women and financial intimacy. He is an estate planning attorney who really 'gets' it. He's given dozens of my book "Don't Worry about a Thing, Dear" to his clients at no charge to them.  

If you're one of my readers in the state of Washington, I highly recommend that you contact John Parr for your estate planning or legal advice.

http://www.parrlawfirm.com

Children and Grandchildren Not Entitled to Inheritance

In her will, Leona Helmsley, NY hotel magnate, left $12 million dollars for the care of her dog. She left nothing to two of her four grandchildren, saying ‘the reasons are known to them’.

Even though Helmsley was a philanthropist, bequeathing millions of dollars to charitable organizations, she took a stand when it came to rewarding behavior she didn’t like. Her thinking may have been simple:  “My dog loves me, is good to me, I feel appreciated and loved. Two of my grandchildren treat me badly. They don’t deserve anything. I’ll leave money for the other two.”

There is no law requiring parents to leave their children or grandchildren an inheritance. Blood lines don’t apply in the U.S. or England, the only two countries that practice the legal concept of  ‘testamentary freedom’  – the right to designate who will inherit their estate.

That means children and grandchildren are not automatically entitled to any portion of their parents’ or grandparents’ estate. They receive an inheritance because parents choose to leave it to them. Inheritance lies not in the genes, but in the heart. It's all about the quality of relationship, not family ties.

Before You Sign the Tax Return

Every year on April 15, my husband would race into the house at
 9:00 pm with the tax return he’d just picked up from his accountant.  "Sign here Honey,” he’d say, handing me a pen, and pointing to the pages with the little yellow tabs waiting for my signature.


However, “Sign here Honey” can come back to haunt you if you are ever divorced or widowed. Your husband isn’t necessarily trying to hide things from you by preparing the return.  He does it because you don’t. So ask him to explain what the numbers mean. He might be relieved that you’re finally taking an interest in the marital finances. Don't wait until the last minute to do it either.

If an accountant is doing your taxes, attend the meeting with your husband. This is a great place to ask questions because the accountant can explain things to you that often your husband doesn’t fully understand.


I know a woman who managed huge budgets for a large corporation. At home, she assumed the role of traditional wife, letting her husband manage their finances.


During her divorce proceedings a few years ago, she was asked if she saw the tax returns annually. She did. Did she review them? No, frankly, she trusted her husband. Wasn’t she concerned about what she was signing? No. Three years after their divorce was final, she was still wrangling with the IRS about her ex-husband’s underreported income.


“Sign here Honey” takes on a totally different meaning if you’re participating as a financially intimate partner.

Trust, Husbands and Financial Advisors

A woman called into a talk show where the topic was marital fidelity.Saying she was done with men, the caller ended her commentary by asking "If you can't trust the person who takes a marriage vow with you, whom can you trust?"

I thought about her question as it applies to two professions dealing with money- financial advice and accounting. No financial advisor takes a vow before taking us on as a client. We can't check a track record because the names of clients are confidential. We have no way of knowing how well the advisor does in an economic downturn.

Bottom line, we're working on trust - giving our money to a firm or individual whose caveat is that past performance is no indication of future results and counsels us on the risks of investment. The certificates on the office wall testify to completion of a course of study, not a grade for performance.

The same holds true for the accounting profession. Most accountants are good at what they do. But they depend on accurate input from us to help us with our tax return. The accountant signs the return based on trust that we've provided all the information we're required to provide. If we're filing a joint tax return and most of the financial information is handled by our husband because we don't "do taxes", we have to trust he has provided accurate information.

Trust is involved in a transaction with someone when we do not have full knowledge about them, their intent, and the things they are offering us. However, when it comes to marriage, which requires no study, no training and nothing but a vow, trust is used interchangeably with love. Unfortunately, love is not a course of study and no one gets a diploma in the subject.

Control Freak or Financial Abuse?

I've written about this before, but women I know keep running into it. It bears repeating.

One of the earliest signs of future abusive behavior in marriage is financial control. A husband controls the purse strings, refusing to share financial information with his wife but expecting that she account for every choice and every penny spent.

Many wives suffer in silence, telling themselves that their husband?s controlling behavior is a personality quirk.They may still have access to joint finances, reasonable mobility and buying choices. They are frustrated by their husband?s attitude and behavior, but they don?t live with a gnawing sense of fear.

Financial abuse is different.

It is behavior designed to isolate a woman into a state of complete financial dependence. The most important thing to remember about financial abuse is that the abuser is not out of control. He can, at the drop of a hat, change his behavior to suit the social circumstances. He can be charming and persuasive, but his objective is to isolate his partner and make her dependence on him total.He is deliberately choosing to control his partner's behavior by cutting off her access to money, mobility and choice.

Financial abuse can often lead to physical abuse as well. It happens within all age ranges, educational levels, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The rich socialite who lives in the largest house in the best neighborhood is as likely to be a victim of financial abuse as the poorest wife in the toughest section of town.

The thing to remember about financial abuse is that it often precedes emotional, verbal and ultimately physical abuse. Here are some signs to watch out for:

Controlling the finances.

Withholding money or credit cards.

Giving you an allowance.

Making you account for every penny you spend.

Stealing from you or taking your money.

Using your assets for his personal benefit.

Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)

If something about your relationship with your husband or partner scares you and you need to talk, you can get help by contacting the following:

National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to http://www.nrcdv.org .
This website lists the numbers and locations of domestic violence hotlines for the 50 states.