Don’t Marry If You Can’t Discuss Money

I get emails from people who have read my book. Here’s one from Nancy:

I’m going to be married in two months. It’s a second marriage for both of us. I really love him, but I’m worried about this unwillingness to talk about money with me. He is paying for most of our wedding costs and is very generous. He keeps telling me not to worry about anything. But I am – and I’m feeling uneasy about going through with the wedding.

Nancy,

Money is such a basic part of marriage that, if you can’t discuss it openly and honestly before marriage, it’s not going to get any easier after you marry. The fact that your fiancée is generous and paying for the wedding is not a reliable measure of how he will behave financially once you’re married.

Telling you not to worry about anything is patronizing and unproductive, especially if you’re feeling uneasy because you don't have enough information. Money and how you will handle it together needs to be discussed before marriage. It’s easier going into marriage than getting out – and he might not be so generous if you decide to divorce.

At the very least, make sure you have a prenuptial agreement. In that agreement, you can state specifically how you want money to be handled in your marriage. A prenup is a great way to open the discussion about money. If there is tension, anger or disagreement without the ability to compromise at that stage of your relationship, I'd say you should pay attention to the signals that this man might not be a good match for you.

I’d recommend that you postpone your wedding until you’ve had the money discussions and are comfortable about how finances will be handled by both of you.