Love and 'Real' Diamonds

Can he really love you if he buys you a ‘fake’ diamond?

What is a ‘real’ diamond? Chemically, it’s a collection of tiny crystals of carbon which take millions of years to form. Physically, the diamond is a stone. Financially, it’s expensive. Emotionally, it’s become the symbol of love.

When diamond prices collapsed during the Great Depression, an advertising agency came up with the idea of linking diamonds to love. The larger the diamond, the greater the love.

Romancing the stone was a huge success, forever instilling in the consciousness of men and women that a diamond engagement ring means ‘real’ love and is a prerequisite to marriage.

Scientists now make diamonds in the laboratory by crushing carbon, graphite and a ‘diamond’ seed in a pressure cooker. Four days later, the crushed core is removed to reveal a man-made diamond inside. Identical to a mined diamond on all counts – structurally, optically and chemically.

Emotionally? Here lie the dragons.

Tiffany runs full page ads showing a diamond ring with the caption  “This is What Love Looks Like” and  “A Diamond is Forever’. Love is linked to this cluster of carbon – with no intrinsic value other than that it cost a lot to buy it.

I wonder how long it will take the ‘fake’ diamond industry to create an alternative narrative so couples can learn to start saving money before they marry.

Any ideas for an advertising campaign?

Before You Sign the Tax Return

Every year on April 15, my husband would race into the house at
 9:00 pm with the tax return he’d just picked up from his accountant.  "Sign here Honey,” he’d say, handing me a pen, and pointing to the pages with the little yellow tabs waiting for my signature.


However, “Sign here Honey” can come back to haunt you if you are ever divorced or widowed. Your husband isn’t necessarily trying to hide things from you by preparing the return.  He does it because you don’t. So ask him to explain what the numbers mean. He might be relieved that you’re finally taking an interest in the marital finances. Don't wait until the last minute to do it either.

If an accountant is doing your taxes, attend the meeting with your husband. This is a great place to ask questions because the accountant can explain things to you that often your husband doesn’t fully understand.


I know a woman who managed huge budgets for a large corporation. At home, she assumed the role of traditional wife, letting her husband manage their finances.


During her divorce proceedings a few years ago, she was asked if she saw the tax returns annually. She did. Did she review them? No, frankly, she trusted her husband. Wasn’t she concerned about what she was signing? No. Three years after their divorce was final, she was still wrangling with the IRS about her ex-husband’s underreported income.


“Sign here Honey” takes on a totally different meaning if you’re participating as a financially intimate partner.

Bag Lady Fears: Rational and Persistent

Men, whether successful or not, don’t seem to worry about becoming destitute in their old age, invisible, unloved, roaming the streets, scrounging in garbage cans for food. But irrational as it may seem, successful women also suffer from bag lady fears.

Katie Couric, Gloria Steinem and Lily Tomlin admit to sharing this fear of becoming a bag lady. So did 48 percent of the 1,938 high earning women polled by Allianz Life Insurance in a 2006 poll. A stunning 90 percent of these high earners admitted to feeling financially insecure.

Many married women don’t have a history of understanding or managing money. They're not used to seeing the bigger picture. They think their husband is better at making the ‘really big’ money decisions. While they balance the household budget and decide what to buy, he handles the investments. If the marriage ends, they don't understand what he was doing financially. Often they find themselves responsible for financial decisions he made without their knowledge or participation.

The bottom line? Wives' financial decisions revolve around money spent and gone, not invested for growth.

Bag lady fears may be emotionally irrational for financially secure Katie, Gloria and Lily. Their fears relate to being out of control, of feeling weak and fearful that they can't make it on their own. For them, these are childhood tapes and no longer based on reality.

But for millions of women, divorce or widowhood is the wake-up call that they have to start thinking differently about money. Four in 10 marriages end before the 30th wedding anniversary. Only 16% of married women have a financial “Plan B” in case of divorce. The average age a woman is widowed is 56. Her average longevity is 84.

Every woman who isn't in charge of her financial life is at risk of being a bag lady if someone is planning her future. That makes the bag lady syndrome a rational fear which requires paying attention to now.

Financially Safe Marriage

If you have a business partner, you expect to share information about that business. However, most of us don’t think of marriage as a business even though it has an eerily similar financial structure.

A business has income, expenses, assets, liabilities, taxes and net worth.So does a marriage. That’s why marriages, like businesses, need financial intimacy.We don’t start a business or go into marriage expecting that it might fail. But both fail at alarmingly high rates, albeit for different reasons.

It’s counterintuitive to think about widowhood or divorce when you’re getting married. Few women do. But I’ve written over the years that letting one partner manage all the money sets the other partner up for financial vulnerability. Too often, the partner with her head in the sand is the woman.

We trusting creatures make certain romantic assumptions about marriage. For example, we assume our mate is making financial choices that will benefit us both. Sometimes he is; sometimes he isn’t. Sometimes he assumes we don’t want to be involved. Other times, he doesn’t want us to be involved. I say 'he' because, most of the time, the uninvolved partner is a 'she'.

Here’s the bottom line: If you live in one of the nine community property states*,you and your marital partner share responsibility for financial decisions. The following five questions will give you a head start on practicing financially safe marriage...and business.

Do I understand what my partner is doing financially?

Do we regularly discuss our finances together?
Do I sign documents without understanding them?

Do I know the location of all our financial records?
How would I manage if I were widowed or divorced?

.
*Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, Wisconsin

Financial Intimacy: Five Points about Marriage

You romantics out there may not be happy with this blog. You may consider it in your face, the ranting of a realist , a cynic or worse, a misandrist . I apologize for shattering your illusions.

Financial Intimacy and Income Tax

There are no excuses after April 15.

My friend Betty has been divorced for three years. Her ex-husband is being audited by the IRS for tax returns dating back to when they were married. He always handled the taxes, and she just signed what he put in front of her. The government assumed that Betty, as an adult, understood what she signed and that the information is accurate.

When the letter arrived from the IRS informing her that she was liable for $54,000 of unpaid taxes, which they claim her ex-husband had failed to report, Betty was stunned. She is just getting back on her feet after a tough few years of trying to make it on her own. Learning about how to handle money after divorce hasn’t been easy for her. She had just let her husband do everything. She trusted him. Maybe they didn’t have the best marriage, but she had never doubted his honesty. Why would he under report income? Wouldn’t the accountant have known that?

Typically, your husband isn’t going to intentionally falsify information on the tax return. On the other hand, he might be doing exactly that. As soon as you sign, you’re agreeing to the accuracy of the information and the government assumes you understand what you signed. Accountants aren’t magicians or detectives; they work with the numbers you give them.

Betty is learning some facts of life the hard way. Accountants only know what you tell them. Signing documents without understanding them obligates you anyway. Divorce doesn’t protect you from financial activities your husband engaged in while you were married.

The point is you have to be involved in your marital finances. If your husband is doing it financially, you’re doing it too, whether you know about it or not. Before you sign the tax return, read it, ask questions, understand what’s in each column and don’t wait until the last minute. If you sign it, it’s a done deal.

As I said at the beginning, there are no excuses after April 15.

Marrying for Money 2011 Style

Marrying for money is back in style. Well, at least it's not the dirty little secret it used to be. There's a spate of new books to advise women who want to marry rich how to get their man.The recent issue of Town & Country Magazine devotes a whole issue to love, marriage and money.

None of the writers about love are sure what it is. They know what marriage is, and while no one openly admits that they married for money, most people aren't fooled when they meet the mate. For example, does anyone think that the 24-year-old engaged to Hugh Hefner, 60 years her senior, is marrying him to build a life together?

Daphne Merkin, rethinking her own refusal to marry for money, writes "If the man is rich enough, one overlooks - everything. He can be bald, hairy, have a stomach that hangs like an apron and be really under-endowed." She summarizes,"...there's a lot you'll have to stomach along the way but it will be easier if you keep your eye on the bottom line."

I've met women who won't admit that they married for money, but freely confess that they stay married because of the money. I remember a woman in one of my seminars who said “Am I happily married? That's beside the point. I know what I’ve got – and at least he has money." Many of the other women agreed with her. Another woman said  "Don't you feel like you sold your soul just for the money?"

Is there a difference between going in for the money and staying in for money? Is it wrong to feel that money makes someone more interesting? If marriage buys you a lifestyle you want, are you selling your soul if you’re opting for security and stability over romantic love and passion?

What would you tell your daughter?

Marrying for money is back in style. Well, at least it's not the dirty little secret it used to be. There's a spate of new books to advise women who want to marry rich how to get their man.The recent issue of Town & Country Magazine devotes a whole issue to love, marriage and money.

None of the writers about love are sure what it is. They know what marriage is, and while no one openly admits that they married for money, most people aren't fooled when they meet the mate. For example, does anyone think that the 24-year-old engaged to Hugh Hefner, 60 years her senior, is marrying him to build a life together?

Daphne Merkin, rethinking her own refusal to marry for money, writes "If the man is rich enough, one overlooks - everything. He can be bald, hairy, have a stomach that hangs like an apron and be really under-endowed." She summarizes,"...there's a lot you'll have to stomach along the way but it will be easier if you keep your eye on the bottom line."

I've met women who won't admit that they married for money, but freely confess that they stay married because of the money. I remember a woman in one of my seminars who said “Am I happily married? That's beside the point. I know what I’ve got – and at least he has money." Many of the other women agreed with her. Another woman said  "Don't you feel like you sold your soul just for the money?"

Is there a difference between going in for the money and staying in for money? Is it wrong to feel that money makes someone more interesting? If marriage buys you a lifestyle you want, are you selling your soul if you’re opting for security and stability over romantic love and passion?

What would you tell your daughter?