FICO Scores Don't Lie

You’re in love. He’s perfect. Likes the same things you do. You have fun together. You can stay up all night talking. The chemistry is unbelievable. Finally, a man who shares your values about life, work, children, family. You want to spend the rest of your life with him.

So now it’s time to talk about money, you know, beliefs, attitudes, expectations  and yes, FICO scores. You resist. How boring. Where do credit ratings fit into this picture of love? This is the conversation you really don’t want to have. But you have to have it.

Your score is 815. His is 682. FICO scores don’t lie. You're a good credit risk and he's not. His history with money is very different from yours...and so much of your shared future involves how you handle money.

Credit scores are a fast transparent look at how we conduct our money life. How much credit do we use? How much do we owe? How promptly do we repay our loans? How much do we repay at a time? How many late charges do we incur? What is our interest rate?

You know a lower FICO score equals a higher risk for lenders. That means higher interest rates for insurance, mortgages, credit lines. No, they don’t really know the man you love, and if they did, they’d know how perfect he is for you.

But maybe those lenders know something you don't. They’ve seen millions of people raise their FICO score when they start paying attention to the details. Maybe it would be a good idea before you say “I Do” to have this man you love demonstrate to you that he can raise his score.

It may not be romantic, but it’s definitely intimate…and a lot safer.

http://www.financialintimacy.com- protecting your financial interests in marriage

There's Nothing Romantic about Money

I met a financial advisor years ago who had the most seductively soothing bedside manner. He had been recommended by a friend who said this man was ‘really great working with widows’.

The advisor explained that it’s hard for women whose husband had managed the investments to understand how the market works. “Ultimately, it comes down to your peace of mind and the trust we establish in the relationship”, he said.

But given what I’d been through with my husband, clanging bells and caution lights flashed through my mind. The trust thing again – ‘Trust me honey’, ‘don’t worry about a thing darling’, ‘just relax and go shopping’, ‘I’ll take care of everything’.

I felt a faint tinge of romantic illusion still clinging to my liberated female psyche. How perfect  – someone to take care of everything so I can focus on living happily ever after.

But I know the real world doesn’t work that way. One thing I know for sure – there’s nothing romantic about money. Money isn’t about trust or being reassured that everything will be fine.

I believe in information, financial education, hard-headed realism, and planning for the worst. The worst, whatever that is, may never happen. But if it does, at least I’ll understand how it happened.

This particular advisor may relieve stress for many women who still live with illusions. I’m not one of them.

Money Is Not About Money

I once attended a workshop about money. One of the exercises our group of 50 had to do was chew a brand new $100 bill. Most of us gagged.

The purpose of the exercise was to demonstrate that money – the thing itself – is neutral. Pieces of paper, diamonds, chunks of gold to which we assign a cultural worth have no direct value in nourishing us, keeping us warm, or sheltering us.  In this exercise, money even turned out to be disgusting.

I returned from that workshop with a deeper understanding that money is a vehicle of exchange for a wide variety of other things. It’s a mirror against which we see ourselves compared to others. It’s a metaphor we use to assign value to a person or thing. It helps shape our identity, expanding or restricting our access to our hopes,  dreams and ambitions.

Perhaps most important, money is leverage – the ability to shape our life based on “want to” choices rather than “have to” ones. It’s this leverage aspect of money that is often a trap in marriage.

The reality is, whoever controls the money controls the lever and calls the shots. That’s why it’s so important for you to participate and understand the money in your marriage. If you’re not involved, if you don’t understand your marital finances, if you’re too busy, or not interested, you’re at the wrong end of the lever.

Consider this another a wake-up call.

Warren Buffett Does it Again

I've always admired Warren Buffett, not because of his wealth, but because of his common sense, decency, lack of pretension and sense of fairness. In an piece for the NYTimes, he writes that he believes he and other rich people should be taxed at a higher rate. http://tinyurl.com/cpdgrwx

He also never believed that giving money to his children equates with giving them love. He wanted them to carve out their own path and believed that "setting them up with unlimited wealth is harmful and an anti-social act."

His decision to donate nearly $37 billion to the Gates Foundation may have shocked the world, but it came as no surprise to his three children, whom he had consulted first.

"The truth is it would be insane to leave us that much money," said Susan Buffett. "It just would be."

Buffett gave $1 billion to his children's three charitable foundations: the Susan A. Buffett Foundation, which focuses on early education for children of low-income families; the Howard G. Buffett Foundation, which has helped 42 countries; and the Novo Foundation, Peter Buffett's organization for democracy. They each draw a salary from their work.

The Buffett kids grew up in a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house in Omaha Nebraska. They attended local elementary and high schools . Their friends were neighborhood kids who actually played without needing play dates or being chauffered from house to house. The Buffett kids grew up without pretension; money wasn’t the way they measured their parents’ love.

Each Buffett sibling received a letter from their father in which he wrote: "I consider myself lucky to have three children who want to spend much of their time and energy working on projects that will benefit others. I am proud of what you are doing and your mother would be proud as well. Love, Dad."

I like this man, in spite of his wealth.

The Business Side of Marriage

If you have a business partner, you expect to share information about your business. However, most of us don’t think of our marriage as a business although it has an eerily similar structure minus, of course, the love, romance and illusion of living happily ever after.

Consider that a business has income, expenses, assets, liabilities, taxes and net worth.So does a marriage. That’s why marriages need financial intimacy.We don’t start a business or go into marriage expecting that it might fail. But both fail at alarmingly high rates, albeit for different reasons.

It’s counter intuitive to think about widowhood or divorce when you’re getting married. Few women do. But I’ve written over the years that letting one partner manage all the money sets the other partner up for financial vulnerability. Too often, the partner with her head in the sand is the woman.

Being in love often makes rational thinking difficult. We women who love and trust our partners make certain romantic assumptions. For example, we assume our mate is making financial choices that will benefit us both. Sometimes he is; sometimes he isn’t. Sometimes he assumes we don’t want to be involved. Other times, he doesn’t want us to be involved.

Here’s the bottom line: In the nine community property states ,husband and wife share responsibility for financial decisions.

Do I understand what my partner is doing financially?

Do we regularly discuss our finances together?
How would I manage if I were widowed or divorced?

Do I sign documents without understanding them?

Do I know the location of all our financial records?

Download the ebook for $2.99 to get all the information about the business side of marriage.
http://www.financialintimacy.com/buy-the-book.html

Financial Abuse is a Woman's Problem

Many people Google the phrase ‘financial abuse’ and find their way to my website. I can’t tell how many of the searches are by women, but I’ll bet most of them are.

They search for information because they are trapped in relationships in which they fear their mate, or don’t know their legal rights. Perhaps they fear for their children and don’t know where to get help. They also know that their mate is capable of escalated abuse.

Many wives suffer in silence, thinking that such controlling behavior is a personality quirk. It’s not a quirk; it’s a sign and you should pay attention to it.  It’s not protective; it’s not loving. It’s a desire to control the relationship.

That’s why it’s important for women to understand that financial control can be a precursor to physical and emotional abuse. Women find out too late that the husband or boyfriend who won’t talk about money is saying “I’m in charge here and I refuse to discuss it”.

If you’re married and in a community property state, you are legally entitled to know what’s happening financially in your marriage.

Where do you draw the line?

You may know someone whom you suspect is financially abused. On the other hand, you may not know that your sister or neighbor, acquaintance or friend is a financial hostage because she won’t tell you. She’s afraid to rock the boat, fearful for her children, knowing that her hands are tied financially.

You may know her husband, and never suspect a thing. He’s not out of control or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He can be charming, an upstanding member of the community, the life of the party. He can also be a control freak with the intent to isolate his wife into a state of total financial dependence.

Signs of Financial Abuse

Controlling the finances.

Withholding money or credit cards.

Giving you an allowance.

Making you account for every penny you spend.

Stealing from you or using your money without asking.

Exploiting your assets for personal gain

Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)

If something about your relationship with your husband or partner scares you and you need to talk, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to Http://www.nrcdv.org

If you know someone who needs this information, please pass it on. It could be a life saver.

Love and 'Real' Diamonds

Can he really love you if he buys you a ‘fake’ diamond?

What is a ‘real’ diamond? Chemically, it’s a collection of tiny crystals of carbon which take millions of years to form. Physically, the diamond is a stone. Financially, it’s expensive. Emotionally, it’s become the symbol of love.

When diamond prices collapsed during the Great Depression, an advertising agency came up with the idea of linking diamonds to love. The larger the diamond, the greater the love.

Romancing the stone was a huge success, forever instilling in the consciousness of men and women that a diamond engagement ring means ‘real’ love and is a prerequisite to marriage.

Scientists now make diamonds in the laboratory by crushing carbon, graphite and a ‘diamond’ seed in a pressure cooker. Four days later, the crushed core is removed to reveal a man-made diamond inside. Identical to a mined diamond on all counts – structurally, optically and chemically.

Emotionally? Here lie the dragons.

Tiffany runs full page ads showing a diamond ring with the caption  “This is What Love Looks Like” and  “A Diamond is Forever’. Love is linked to this cluster of carbon – with no intrinsic value other than that it cost a lot to buy it.

I wonder how long it will take the ‘fake’ diamond industry to create an alternative narrative so couples can learn to start saving money before they marry.

Any ideas for an advertising campaign?

Can Marriage Survive Romantic Illusion?

Who is Robert Johnson and why should you pay attention to him?

Johnson is author of a trio of books, “He”, “She” and “We”. This trio of books should be required reading for couples. But chances are they’re not on your pre-wedding checklist.

That’s too bad.  You won’t find excerpts of these books in the bridal magazines. They’re too honest; too close to the bone in exposing the romantic illusions we bring into marriage. Johnson’s penetrating exploration of how romantic myths imprison us explains how we harm the person we marry. Here we meet our projections, illusions and shadows. 

Johnson believes four beings take vows at the altar: the bride and her shadow; the groom and his shadow. Each entity has a hidden agenda demanding attention.Caught up in the headiness and exhilaration of romantic love, we don’t know our shadows are there. But they come into the marriage relationship as major partners.

In “We”, he writes, “One of the glaring contradictions in romantic love is that so many couples treat their friends with more kindness, consideration, generosity and forgiveness than they ever give to one another.” 

In other words, romance is never happy with the other person as he or she is. Or, as a man I know said,” I don’t want to be friends with my wife; it would take all the romance out of our marriage.”

Can marriage survive romantic illusion? Read Johnson and you’ll understand why it’s easier to blame and shame than acknowledge our role in derailing our marriage. A word of caution: Johnson causes goose bumps of recognition.

A Painless Strategy for Long-Term Care Insurance

I'm constantly amazed by how little planning people are willing to do. Take long-term care for example. People will spend money on a cruise or two annually, yet ignore the fact that they may live longer than they think.  They may need assistance, either at home or in a nursing facility. A medical emergency could deplete their savings very quickly. The children they don't want to depend on will be forced to help with their medical costs.

I have a painless way for siblings to help parents who can't or won't purchase long-term care insurance. It's called the Latte LTC Savings Act.

If three adult siblings give up one latte daily, at a savings of $12 collectively, they will save $84 weekly. In one month, they will save $336 collectively. In one year, they will save $4032. That will buy LTC insurance for one parent for two years.

That's only one latte daily. What if they gave up three lattes a week and covered both parents. Run the numbers for yourself.

I don't sell insurance. I'm not a financial adviser. I'm not an economist. But this isn't rocket science . It's common sense that kids may have to make a small sacrifice to make sure they and their parents are not bankrupted by long-term care costs.

If your parents won't plan for themselves, you can do this for your parents. Everyone wins.

An Attorney Who Really 'Gets' It

The following is an excerpt from the website of estate planning attorney John Parr in Olympia, Washington:

"Estate planning is generally the same for men and women in terms of the paperwork. Each needs a power of attorney for health care and financial management, a will or revocable living trust, a health care directive, and other planning documents. BUT unique considerations affect how women should approach their financial and estate planning. 

Ninety percent of all American women will be making financial decisions on their own due to being widowed, divorced or unmarried. Also consider these complicating factors: (1) Women´s income is approximately 73% of men´s income; (2) Women may, on average, work fewer years than men due to family priorities such as caring for children and elderly parents; and (3) Women outlive men by an average of seven years. 

These circumstances require women to have a financial intimacy with their income and assets, be actively involved in the estate planning process, work with a financial planner to create a life expectancy cash flow analysis, and be actively involved in the management and operation of the family finances."


John was one of the earliest supporters of my work with women and financial intimacy. He is an estate planning attorney who really 'gets' it. He's given dozens of my book "Don't Worry about a Thing, Dear" to his clients at no charge to them.  

If you're one of my readers in the state of Washington, I highly recommend that you contact John Parr for your estate planning or legal advice.

http://www.parrlawfirm.com

Children and Grandchildren Not Entitled to Inheritance

In her will, Leona Helmsley, NY hotel magnate, left $12 million dollars for the care of her dog. She left nothing to two of her four grandchildren, saying ‘the reasons are known to them’.

Even though Helmsley was a philanthropist, bequeathing millions of dollars to charitable organizations, she took a stand when it came to rewarding behavior she didn’t like. Her thinking may have been simple:  “My dog loves me, is good to me, I feel appreciated and loved. Two of my grandchildren treat me badly. They don’t deserve anything. I’ll leave money for the other two.”

There is no law requiring parents to leave their children or grandchildren an inheritance. Blood lines don’t apply in the U.S. or England, the only two countries that practice the legal concept of  ‘testamentary freedom’  – the right to designate who will inherit their estate.

That means children and grandchildren are not automatically entitled to any portion of their parents’ or grandparents’ estate. They receive an inheritance because parents choose to leave it to them. Inheritance lies not in the genes, but in the heart. It's all about the quality of relationship, not family ties.

Before You Sign the Tax Return

Every year on April 15, my husband would race into the house at
 9:00 pm with the tax return he’d just picked up from his accountant.  "Sign here Honey,” he’d say, handing me a pen, and pointing to the pages with the little yellow tabs waiting for my signature.


However, “Sign here Honey” can come back to haunt you if you are ever divorced or widowed. Your husband isn’t necessarily trying to hide things from you by preparing the return.  He does it because you don’t. So ask him to explain what the numbers mean. He might be relieved that you’re finally taking an interest in the marital finances. Don't wait until the last minute to do it either.

If an accountant is doing your taxes, attend the meeting with your husband. This is a great place to ask questions because the accountant can explain things to you that often your husband doesn’t fully understand.


I know a woman who managed huge budgets for a large corporation. At home, she assumed the role of traditional wife, letting her husband manage their finances.


During her divorce proceedings a few years ago, she was asked if she saw the tax returns annually. She did. Did she review them? No, frankly, she trusted her husband. Wasn’t she concerned about what she was signing? No. Three years after their divorce was final, she was still wrangling with the IRS about her ex-husband’s underreported income.


“Sign here Honey” takes on a totally different meaning if you’re participating as a financially intimate partner.

Trust, Husbands and Financial Advisors

A woman called into a talk show where the topic was marital fidelity.Saying she was done with men, the caller ended her commentary by asking "If you can't trust the person who takes a marriage vow with you, whom can you trust?"

I thought about her question as it applies to two professions dealing with money- financial advice and accounting. No financial advisor takes a vow before taking us on as a client. We can't check a track record because the names of clients are confidential. We have no way of knowing how well the advisor does in an economic downturn.

Bottom line, we're working on trust - giving our money to a firm or individual whose caveat is that past performance is no indication of future results and counsels us on the risks of investment. The certificates on the office wall testify to completion of a course of study, not a grade for performance.

The same holds true for the accounting profession. Most accountants are good at what they do. But they depend on accurate input from us to help us with our tax return. The accountant signs the return based on trust that we've provided all the information we're required to provide. If we're filing a joint tax return and most of the financial information is handled by our husband because we don't "do taxes", we have to trust he has provided accurate information.

Trust is involved in a transaction with someone when we do not have full knowledge about them, their intent, and the things they are offering us. However, when it comes to marriage, which requires no study, no training and nothing but a vow, trust is used interchangeably with love. Unfortunately, love is not a course of study and no one gets a diploma in the subject.

Control Freak or Financial Abuse?

I've written about this before, but women I know keep running into it. It bears repeating.

One of the earliest signs of future abusive behavior in marriage is financial control. A husband controls the purse strings, refusing to share financial information with his wife but expecting that she account for every choice and every penny spent.

Many wives suffer in silence, telling themselves that their husband?s controlling behavior is a personality quirk.They may still have access to joint finances, reasonable mobility and buying choices. They are frustrated by their husband?s attitude and behavior, but they don?t live with a gnawing sense of fear.

Financial abuse is different.

It is behavior designed to isolate a woman into a state of complete financial dependence. The most important thing to remember about financial abuse is that the abuser is not out of control. He can, at the drop of a hat, change his behavior to suit the social circumstances. He can be charming and persuasive, but his objective is to isolate his partner and make her dependence on him total.He is deliberately choosing to control his partner's behavior by cutting off her access to money, mobility and choice.

Financial abuse can often lead to physical abuse as well. It happens within all age ranges, educational levels, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The rich socialite who lives in the largest house in the best neighborhood is as likely to be a victim of financial abuse as the poorest wife in the toughest section of town.

The thing to remember about financial abuse is that it often precedes emotional, verbal and ultimately physical abuse. Here are some signs to watch out for:

Controlling the finances.

Withholding money or credit cards.

Giving you an allowance.

Making you account for every penny you spend.

Stealing from you or taking your money.

Using your assets for his personal benefit.

Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)

If something about your relationship with your husband or partner scares you and you need to talk, you can get help by contacting the following:

National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to http://www.nrcdv.org .
This website lists the numbers and locations of domestic violence hotlines for the 50 states.

If I Had A Year to Live...

When I was younger, I made New Year resolutions only to have them evaporate after a few weeks. Using a matrix of goals, timetable, action plan and reward system, I would track my progress. I don’t do that anymore.

Realizing that life is too short for everything, I struggled with how to maintain a balance between what I like to do and what I felt I ought to do. I came up with a formula that works better for me.
If I had a year to live, would I spend 15 minutes doing this?

It works for me in situations where I have a choice. For example, how do I want to spend my time? Do I really want to be on that committee, attend that lecture or class, learn to play bridge? If I’m not actively enthusiastic about something or someone, I don’t do it.

I don’t have to beat myself up about the choice because for me, it’s obvious. One year, 15 minutes? Yes or no.

In situations where I don’t have a choice, there’s no conflict. I might procrastinate a little, but I do it because I know I’ll feel good afterward.

Try the formula. You can do it all year round without keeping track of anything. If it doesn’t work for you, you can always go back to resolutions.

If you knew you had only one year left to live , would you spend 15 minutes making New Year resolutions?

Happy 2012. May whatever you wish for be yours.

Bag Lady Fears: Rational and Persistent

Men, whether successful or not, don’t seem to worry about becoming destitute in their old age, invisible, unloved, roaming the streets, scrounging in garbage cans for food. But irrational as it may seem, successful women also suffer from bag lady fears.

Katie Couric, Gloria Steinem and Lily Tomlin admit to sharing this fear of becoming a bag lady. So did 48 percent of the 1,938 high earning women polled by Allianz Life Insurance in a 2006 poll. A stunning 90 percent of these high earners admitted to feeling financially insecure.

Many married women don’t have a history of understanding or managing money. They're not used to seeing the bigger picture. They think their husband is better at making the ‘really big’ money decisions. While they balance the household budget and decide what to buy, he handles the investments. If the marriage ends, they don't understand what he was doing financially. Often they find themselves responsible for financial decisions he made without their knowledge or participation.

The bottom line? Wives' financial decisions revolve around money spent and gone, not invested for growth.

Bag lady fears may be emotionally irrational for financially secure Katie, Gloria and Lily. Their fears relate to being out of control, of feeling weak and fearful that they can't make it on their own. For them, these are childhood tapes and no longer based on reality.

But for millions of women, divorce or widowhood is the wake-up call that they have to start thinking differently about money. Four in 10 marriages end before the 30th wedding anniversary. Only 16% of married women have a financial “Plan B” in case of divorce. The average age a woman is widowed is 56. Her average longevity is 84.

Every woman who isn't in charge of her financial life is at risk of being a bag lady if someone is planning her future. That makes the bag lady syndrome a rational fear which requires paying attention to now.

Marriage Doesn't Fix Problems

There’s nothing inherently natural about marriage. It doesn’t obey any laws of physics or cosmic order. Nor is it divinely ordained, or biologically inevitable.

It’s a cultural construct, useful for parenting, ancestral pedigrees and financial legacy. The scenario for how this coupling plays out depends on where we live.

In Western societies, we have choices about whom to marry and how to marry them. But there is only one truth that applies to them all. Immediately upon saying ‘I Do’, two people become one legal and financial unit – an official event that is recorded at the court house.

The government doesn’t care if our marriage is happy or not. The government tracks us, not to send us an anniversary card, but to collect its share of taxes. We’re a financial entity until one of three events happens – annulment, divorce or death.

So before you marry, keep in mind:


Marriage doesn't fix problems; it just makes them permanent. If you can't talk about money before marriage, it doesn't get any easier afterward.


It’s easier to get in than to get out. 


Whatever your spouse is doing, you’re doing it too, whether you know about it or not. 


Going into marriage, it’s all about love. Coming out of marriage, it’s all about money. 


Romance offers no protection. Financial intimacy does.

Fixing Congress

If you didn't get this in an email chain, here's your chance to help fix Congress.

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got" Winston Churchill

The 26th amendment (granting the right to vote for 18 year olds) took only 3 months & 8 days to be ratified! Why? Simple! The people demanded it. That was in 1971...before computers, e-mail, cell phones, etc.

Of the 27 amendments to the Constitution, seven (7) took 1 year or less to become the law of the land...all because of public pressure.
In three days, most people in The United States of America will have the message. This is one idea that really should be passed around.

Proposal for a Congressional Reform Act of 2011
1. No Tenure / No Pension. A Congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when they are out of office.
2. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security.
All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, and Congress participates with the American people. It may not be used for any other purpose.
3. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all Americans do.
4. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.
5. Congress loses their current health care system and participates in the same health care system as the American people.
6. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the American people.
7. All contracts with past and present Congressmen are void effective 1/1/12. The American people did not make this contract with Congressmen. Congressmen made all these contracts for themselves. Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, so ours should serve their term(s), then go home and back to work.
If each person contacts a minimum of twenty people then it will only take three days for most people (in the U.S.) to receive the message. Maybe it is time.

THIS IS HOW YOU FIX CONGRESS!!!!!
If you agree with the above, pass it on.

Financial Intimacy: The Business of Marriage

If you have a business partner, you expect to share information about your business. However, most of us don’t think of our marriage as a business although it has an eerily similar structure minus, of course, the love, romance and illusion of living happily ever after.

Consider that a business has income, expenses, assets, liabilities, taxes and net worth.So does a marriage. That’s why marriages need financial intimacy.We don’t start a business or go into marriage expecting that it might fail. But both fail at alarmingly high rates, albeit for different reasons.

It’s counterintuitive to think about widowhood or divorce when you’re getting married. Few women do. But I’ve written over the years that letting one partner manage all the money sets the other partner up for financial vulnerability. Too often, the partner with her head in the sand is the woman.

Being in love often makes rational thinking difficult and we trusting creatures make certain romantic assumptions. For example, we assume our mate is making financial choices that will benefit us both. Sometimes he is; sometimes he isn’t. Sometimes he assumes we don’t want to be involved. Other times, he doesn’t want us to be involved.

Here’s the bottom line: In the nine community property states (http://tinyurl.com/3rtr5j4),husband and wife share responsibility for financial decisions.

Do I understand what my partner is doing financially?

Do we regularly discuss our finances together?
How would I manage if I were widowed or divorced?

Do I sign documents without understanding them?

Do I know the location of all our financial records?

These five questions will give you a head start on practicing financially safe marriage.

Estate Planners and Parent Abuse

Parent abuse is a silent problem, widely prevalent but not widely discussed. Most information available about the topic deals with parents who abuse children rather than the opposite.

Parents who are bullied by their adult children have trouble admitting it; they may even deny that there is a problem. They feel depressed, anxious, and ashamed that they “didn't do the right thing” and that’s why they’re being abused.

Many parents put up with the bullying because they don’t want to end a relationship with a child whom they love. Some need their child’s help with care giving. Others fear their child’s unpredictable aggression if they speak up about their feelings.

Estate planners come across these painful situations when parents draw up a will. They often recommend that parents talk openly with children about inheritance plans, explaining their reasons about inheritance distribution. The rationale is that the bully will learn how deeply their continuing abuse hurts their parents or alert them to change their behavior in anticipation of future loss.

This advice feels dangerous to parents who live in fear of the next round of indignity. Odds are that the bullying child will become even more so. It’s sad, but staying silent about inheritance plans is a safety shield for abused parents, a way to regain a sense of dignity and self-esteem.

How much better to find the courage to say to a bully, any bully, “Back off, you’re crossing a line here” while you’re alive. For those whose courage fails them, their message will wait until they die.