Beware of Romantic Idealization

A few years ago, I dated a man who seemed well matched for me except for one supremely annoying habit – he talked with his mouth full of food. How petty of me I thought. Such a great guy, how could such a silly thing bother me?

When I mentioned it to him, he said no one had ever told him that before. “What difference does it make?” he asked. I tried to pretend it didn’t bother me. After a few dates, meals became the arena for dealing with a behavior that had irritated me from date one. Our relationship didn’t stand a chance.

Now let’s say the problem isn’t “petty or minor” like talking with your mouth full of food. Let’s say your fiance is a penny pincher and you’re a more generous type. Or he’s a procrastinator and consistently forgets to do things he promises to do. Or he has a nasty temper. What if he doesn’t pay attention when you talk? Or exhibits some other quality or behavior that’s important to you when you think of living with it for happily ever after.

You want to give him the benefit of the doubt. You think that after you’re married, you can work on the things that irritate you. You’re an optimist and he has other qualities you value and cherish. Good men are hard to find, so why focus on the negative? Your mother used to do that, and your father always called her a nag. You’re not like her. Besides, your marriage will be different from your parents.

Romantic idealization causes us to superimpose an idealized image onto the person we love rather than facing who he really is. It’s especially seductive when the irritating quality isn’t visible to others. Your friends can’t warn you because they don’t see it. Sometimes, you even question whether you’re imagining it.

But here’s the bottom line. When it comes to money, it’s even more important to talk about what bothers you before marriage. If your future husband’s behavior and attitudes about money bother you before marriage, it doesn’t get easier to discuss, bear or ignore after marriage. What changes is, that now, you’re legally stuck with it.

Or as poet Maya Angelou once said: ”When someone shows you who he is, believe him.”