An Attorney Who Really 'Gets' It

The following is an excerpt from the website of estate planning attorney John Parr in Olympia, Washington:

"Estate planning is generally the same for men and women in terms of the paperwork. Each needs a power of attorney for health care and financial management, a will or revocable living trust, a health care directive, and other planning documents. BUT unique considerations affect how women should approach their financial and estate planning. 

Ninety percent of all American women will be making financial decisions on their own due to being widowed, divorced or unmarried. Also consider these complicating factors: (1) Women´s income is approximately 73% of men´s income; (2) Women may, on average, work fewer years than men due to family priorities such as caring for children and elderly parents; and (3) Women outlive men by an average of seven years. 

These circumstances require women to have a financial intimacy with their income and assets, be actively involved in the estate planning process, work with a financial planner to create a life expectancy cash flow analysis, and be actively involved in the management and operation of the family finances."


John was one of the earliest supporters of my work with women and financial intimacy. He is an estate planning attorney who really 'gets' it. He's given dozens of my book "Don't Worry about a Thing, Dear" to his clients at no charge to them.  

If you're one of my readers in the state of Washington, I highly recommend that you contact John Parr for your estate planning or legal advice.

http://www.parrlawfirm.com

Children and Grandchildren Not Entitled to Inheritance

In her will, Leona Helmsley, NY hotel magnate, left $12 million dollars for the care of her dog. She left nothing to two of her four grandchildren, saying ‘the reasons are known to them’.

Even though Helmsley was a philanthropist, bequeathing millions of dollars to charitable organizations, she took a stand when it came to rewarding behavior she didn’t like. Her thinking may have been simple:  “My dog loves me, is good to me, I feel appreciated and loved. Two of my grandchildren treat me badly. They don’t deserve anything. I’ll leave money for the other two.”

There is no law requiring parents to leave their children or grandchildren an inheritance. Blood lines don’t apply in the U.S. or England, the only two countries that practice the legal concept of  ‘testamentary freedom’  – the right to designate who will inherit their estate.

That means children and grandchildren are not automatically entitled to any portion of their parents’ or grandparents’ estate. They receive an inheritance because parents choose to leave it to them. Inheritance lies not in the genes, but in the heart. It's all about the quality of relationship, not family ties.

Before You Sign the Tax Return

Every year on April 15, my husband would race into the house at
 9:00 pm with the tax return he’d just picked up from his accountant.  "Sign here Honey,” he’d say, handing me a pen, and pointing to the pages with the little yellow tabs waiting for my signature.


However, “Sign here Honey” can come back to haunt you if you are ever divorced or widowed. Your husband isn’t necessarily trying to hide things from you by preparing the return.  He does it because you don’t. So ask him to explain what the numbers mean. He might be relieved that you’re finally taking an interest in the marital finances. Don't wait until the last minute to do it either.

If an accountant is doing your taxes, attend the meeting with your husband. This is a great place to ask questions because the accountant can explain things to you that often your husband doesn’t fully understand.


I know a woman who managed huge budgets for a large corporation. At home, she assumed the role of traditional wife, letting her husband manage their finances.


During her divorce proceedings a few years ago, she was asked if she saw the tax returns annually. She did. Did she review them? No, frankly, she trusted her husband. Wasn’t she concerned about what she was signing? No. Three years after their divorce was final, she was still wrangling with the IRS about her ex-husband’s underreported income.


“Sign here Honey” takes on a totally different meaning if you’re participating as a financially intimate partner.

Trust, Husbands and Financial Advisors

A woman called into a talk show where the topic was marital fidelity.Saying she was done with men, the caller ended her commentary by asking "If you can't trust the person who takes a marriage vow with you, whom can you trust?"

I thought about her question as it applies to two professions dealing with money- financial advice and accounting. No financial advisor takes a vow before taking us on as a client. We can't check a track record because the names of clients are confidential. We have no way of knowing how well the advisor does in an economic downturn.

Bottom line, we're working on trust - giving our money to a firm or individual whose caveat is that past performance is no indication of future results and counsels us on the risks of investment. The certificates on the office wall testify to completion of a course of study, not a grade for performance.

The same holds true for the accounting profession. Most accountants are good at what they do. But they depend on accurate input from us to help us with our tax return. The accountant signs the return based on trust that we've provided all the information we're required to provide. If we're filing a joint tax return and most of the financial information is handled by our husband because we don't "do taxes", we have to trust he has provided accurate information.

Trust is involved in a transaction with someone when we do not have full knowledge about them, their intent, and the things they are offering us. However, when it comes to marriage, which requires no study, no training and nothing but a vow, trust is used interchangeably with love. Unfortunately, love is not a course of study and no one gets a diploma in the subject.

Control Freak or Financial Abuse?

I've written about this before, but women I know keep running into it. It bears repeating.

One of the earliest signs of future abusive behavior in marriage is financial control. A husband controls the purse strings, refusing to share financial information with his wife but expecting that she account for every choice and every penny spent.

Many wives suffer in silence, telling themselves that their husband?s controlling behavior is a personality quirk.They may still have access to joint finances, reasonable mobility and buying choices. They are frustrated by their husband?s attitude and behavior, but they don?t live with a gnawing sense of fear.

Financial abuse is different.

It is behavior designed to isolate a woman into a state of complete financial dependence. The most important thing to remember about financial abuse is that the abuser is not out of control. He can, at the drop of a hat, change his behavior to suit the social circumstances. He can be charming and persuasive, but his objective is to isolate his partner and make her dependence on him total.He is deliberately choosing to control his partner's behavior by cutting off her access to money, mobility and choice.

Financial abuse can often lead to physical abuse as well. It happens within all age ranges, educational levels, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The rich socialite who lives in the largest house in the best neighborhood is as likely to be a victim of financial abuse as the poorest wife in the toughest section of town.

The thing to remember about financial abuse is that it often precedes emotional, verbal and ultimately physical abuse. Here are some signs to watch out for:

Controlling the finances.

Withholding money or credit cards.

Giving you an allowance.

Making you account for every penny you spend.

Stealing from you or taking your money.

Using your assets for his personal benefit.

Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)

If something about your relationship with your husband or partner scares you and you need to talk, you can get help by contacting the following:

National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to http://www.nrcdv.org .
This website lists the numbers and locations of domestic violence hotlines for the 50 states.

If I Had A Year to Live...

When I was younger, I made New Year resolutions only to have them evaporate after a few weeks. Using a matrix of goals, timetable, action plan and reward system, I would track my progress. I don’t do that anymore.

Realizing that life is too short for everything, I struggled with how to maintain a balance between what I like to do and what I felt I ought to do. I came up with a formula that works better for me.
If I had a year to live, would I spend 15 minutes doing this?

It works for me in situations where I have a choice. For example, how do I want to spend my time? Do I really want to be on that committee, attend that lecture or class, learn to play bridge? If I’m not actively enthusiastic about something or someone, I don’t do it.

I don’t have to beat myself up about the choice because for me, it’s obvious. One year, 15 minutes? Yes or no.

In situations where I don’t have a choice, there’s no conflict. I might procrastinate a little, but I do it because I know I’ll feel good afterward.

Try the formula. You can do it all year round without keeping track of anything. If it doesn’t work for you, you can always go back to resolutions.

If you knew you had only one year left to live , would you spend 15 minutes making New Year resolutions?

Happy 2012. May whatever you wish for be yours.

Bag Lady Fears: Rational and Persistent

Men, whether successful or not, don’t seem to worry about becoming destitute in their old age, invisible, unloved, roaming the streets, scrounging in garbage cans for food. But irrational as it may seem, successful women also suffer from bag lady fears.

Katie Couric, Gloria Steinem and Lily Tomlin admit to sharing this fear of becoming a bag lady. So did 48 percent of the 1,938 high earning women polled by Allianz Life Insurance in a 2006 poll. A stunning 90 percent of these high earners admitted to feeling financially insecure.

Many married women don’t have a history of understanding or managing money. They're not used to seeing the bigger picture. They think their husband is better at making the ‘really big’ money decisions. While they balance the household budget and decide what to buy, he handles the investments. If the marriage ends, they don't understand what he was doing financially. Often they find themselves responsible for financial decisions he made without their knowledge or participation.

The bottom line? Wives' financial decisions revolve around money spent and gone, not invested for growth.

Bag lady fears may be emotionally irrational for financially secure Katie, Gloria and Lily. Their fears relate to being out of control, of feeling weak and fearful that they can't make it on their own. For them, these are childhood tapes and no longer based on reality.

But for millions of women, divorce or widowhood is the wake-up call that they have to start thinking differently about money. Four in 10 marriages end before the 30th wedding anniversary. Only 16% of married women have a financial “Plan B” in case of divorce. The average age a woman is widowed is 56. Her average longevity is 84.

Every woman who isn't in charge of her financial life is at risk of being a bag lady if someone is planning her future. That makes the bag lady syndrome a rational fear which requires paying attention to now.