During a radio interview just before Christmas last year, the host asked me why I didn’t think it was a good idea to get engaged at Christmas. “Christmas is for exchanging gifts” I said. “An engagement ring isn’t a gift. It’s a precursor to a contract, a marriage contract.” Not exactly the same category as a new ski jacket ,cashmere sweater or alligator purse.
“Are you trying to take the romance out of marriage?” he asked combatively. I tried to reassure him that I’m a big fan of romance in context, but I didn’t think making a decision to marry should be based on romance.
Let’s face it – romance isn’t much use when it comes to dealing with the day-to-day realities of joining one’s life with another person.
Consider some dictionary definitions of romantic – dreamy, quixotic, impractical. Tending toward make believe, illusion. Characterized by or arising from idealistic or impractical attitudes and expectations.
Contrast that with words that mean intimacy – familiarity, closeness, understanding, confidence, relationship, transparency.
I believe that intimacy gives us a better shot at not being disappointed with the person we marry. Our eyes are open wider going into marriage. We’re still going to learn a lot about this person we didn’t know before we married, but at least we’ll be realistic about the fact that there will be surprises. The real person was always there. We just didn’t see it because it was obscured by romance.
So to that ‘romantic’ radio talk show host, I’m trying to strengthen marriage by encouraging financial intimacy, not financial romance. There’s no such thing – Financial romance exists only in bridal magazines.
And in case no one noticed, a ‘perfect ‘ wedding doesn’t foretell a happy marriage, especially if marriage begins with mountains of debt you’re still paying off when the first baby arrives. Nothing romantic about that, is there?
“Are you trying to take the romance out of marriage?” he asked combatively. I tried to reassure him that I’m a big fan of romance in context, but I didn’t think making a decision to marry should be based on romance.
Let’s face it – romance isn’t much use when it comes to dealing with the day-to-day realities of joining one’s life with another person.Consider some dictionary definitions of romantic – dreamy, quixotic, impractical. Tending toward make believe, illusion. Characterized by or arising from idealistic or impractical attitudes and expectations.
Contrast that with words that mean intimacy – familiarity, closeness, understanding, confidence, relationship, transparency.
I believe that intimacy gives us a better shot at not being disappointed with the person we marry. Our eyes are open wider going into marriage. We’re still going to learn a lot about this person we didn’t know before we married, but at least we’ll be realistic about the fact that there will be surprises. The real person was always there. We just didn’t see it because it was obscured by romance.
So to that ‘romantic’ radio talk show host, I’m trying to strengthen marriage by encouraging financial intimacy, not financial romance. There’s no such thing – Financial romance exists only in bridal magazines.
And in case no one noticed, a ‘perfect ‘ wedding doesn’t foretell a happy marriage, especially if marriage begins with mountains of debt you’re still paying off when the first baby arrives. Nothing romantic about that, is there?
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