You’re in love. He’s perfect. Likes the same things you do. You have fun together. You can stay up all night talking. The chemistry is unbelievable. Finally, a man who shares your values about life, work, children, family. You want to spend the rest of your life with him.
So now it’s time to talk about money, you know, beliefs, attitudes, expectations and yes, FICO scores. You resist. How boring. Where do credit ratings fit into this picture of love? This is the conversation you really don’t want to have. But you have to have it.
Your score is 815. His is 682. FICO scores don’t lie. You're a good credit risk and he's not. His history with money is very different from yours...and so much of your shared future involves how you handle money.
Credit scores are a fast transparent look at how we conduct our money life. How much credit do we use? How much do we owe? How promptly do we repay our loans? How much do we repay at a time? How many late charges do we incur? What is our interest rate?
You know a lower FICO score equals a higher risk for lenders. That means higher interest rates for insurance, mortgages, credit lines. No, they don’t really know the man you love, and if they did, they’d know how perfect he is for you.
But maybe those lenders know something you don't. They’ve seen millions of people raise their FICO score when they start paying attention to the details. Maybe it would be a good idea before you say “I Do” to have this man you love demonstrate to you that he can raise his score.
It may not be romantic, but it’s definitely intimate…and a lot safer.
http://www.financialintimacy.com- protecting your financial interests in marriage
Monday, December 10, 2012
Friday, December 7, 2012
There's Nothing Romantic about Money
I met a financial advisor years ago who had the most seductively soothing bedside manner. He had been recommended by a friend who said this man was ‘really great working with widows’.
The advisor explained that it’s hard for women whose husband had managed the investments to understand how the market works. “Ultimately, it comes down to your peace of mind and the trust we establish in the relationship”, he said.
But given what I’d been through with my husband, clanging bells and caution lights flashed through my mind. The trust thing again – ‘Trust me honey’, ‘don’t worry about a thing darling’, ‘just relax and go shopping’, ‘I’ll take care of everything’.
I felt a faint tinge of romantic illusion still clinging to my liberated female psyche. How perfect – someone to take care of everything so I can focus on living happily ever after.
But I know the real world doesn’t work that way. One thing I know for sure – there’s nothing romantic about money. Money isn’t about trust or being reassured that everything will be fine.
I believe in information, financial education, hard-headed realism, and planning for the worst. The worst, whatever that is, may never happen. But if it does, at least I’ll understand how it happened.
This particular advisor may relieve stress for many women who still live with illusions. I’m not one of them.
The advisor explained that it’s hard for women whose husband had managed the investments to understand how the market works. “Ultimately, it comes down to your peace of mind and the trust we establish in the relationship”, he said.
But given what I’d been through with my husband, clanging bells and caution lights flashed through my mind. The trust thing again – ‘Trust me honey’, ‘don’t worry about a thing darling’, ‘just relax and go shopping’, ‘I’ll take care of everything’.
I felt a faint tinge of romantic illusion still clinging to my liberated female psyche. How perfect – someone to take care of everything so I can focus on living happily ever after.
But I know the real world doesn’t work that way. One thing I know for sure – there’s nothing romantic about money. Money isn’t about trust or being reassured that everything will be fine.
I believe in information, financial education, hard-headed realism, and planning for the worst. The worst, whatever that is, may never happen. But if it does, at least I’ll understand how it happened.
This particular advisor may relieve stress for many women who still live with illusions. I’m not one of them.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Money Is Not About Money
I once attended a workshop about money. One of the exercises our group of 50 had to do was chew a brand new $100 bill. Most of us gagged.
The purpose of the exercise was to demonstrate that money – the thing itself – is neutral. Pieces of paper, diamonds, chunks of gold to which we assign a cultural worth have no direct value in nourishing us, keeping us warm, or sheltering us. In this exercise, money even turned out to be disgusting.
I returned from that workshop with a deeper understanding that money is a vehicle of exchange for a wide variety of other things. It’s a mirror against which we see ourselves compared to others. It’s a metaphor we use to assign value to a person or thing. It helps shape our identity, expanding or restricting our access to our hopes, dreams and ambitions.
Perhaps most important, money is leverage – the ability to shape our life based on “want to” choices rather than “have to” ones. It’s this leverage aspect of money that is often a trap in marriage.
The reality is, whoever controls the money controls the lever and calls the shots. That’s why it’s so important for you to participate and understand the money in your marriage. If you’re not involved, if you don’t understand your marital finances, if you’re too busy, or not interested, you’re at the wrong end of the lever.
Consider this another a wake-up call.
The purpose of the exercise was to demonstrate that money – the thing itself – is neutral. Pieces of paper, diamonds, chunks of gold to which we assign a cultural worth have no direct value in nourishing us, keeping us warm, or sheltering us. In this exercise, money even turned out to be disgusting.
I returned from that workshop with a deeper understanding that money is a vehicle of exchange for a wide variety of other things. It’s a mirror against which we see ourselves compared to others. It’s a metaphor we use to assign value to a person or thing. It helps shape our identity, expanding or restricting our access to our hopes, dreams and ambitions.
Perhaps most important, money is leverage – the ability to shape our life based on “want to” choices rather than “have to” ones. It’s this leverage aspect of money that is often a trap in marriage.
The reality is, whoever controls the money controls the lever and calls the shots. That’s why it’s so important for you to participate and understand the money in your marriage. If you’re not involved, if you don’t understand your marital finances, if you’re too busy, or not interested, you’re at the wrong end of the lever.
Consider this another a wake-up call.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Warren Buffett Does it Again
I've always admired Warren Buffett, not because of his wealth, but because of
his common sense, decency, lack of pretension and sense of fairness. In
an piece for the NYTimes, he writes that he believes he and other rich
people should be taxed at a higher rate. http://tinyurl.com/cpdgrwx
He also never believed that giving money to his children equates with giving them love. He wanted them to carve out their own path and believed that "setting them up with unlimited wealth is harmful and an anti-social act."
His decision to donate nearly $37 billion to the Gates Foundation may have shocked the world, but it came as no surprise to his three children, whom he had consulted first.
"The truth is it would be insane to leave us that much money," said Susan Buffett. "It just would be."
Buffett gave $1 billion to his children's three charitable foundations: the Susan A. Buffett Foundation, which focuses on early education for children of low-income families; the Howard G. Buffett Foundation, which has helped 42 countries; and the Novo Foundation, Peter Buffett's organization for democracy. They each draw a salary from their work.
The Buffett kids grew up in a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house in Omaha Nebraska. They attended local elementary and high schools . Their friends were neighborhood kids who actually played without needing play dates or being chauffered from house to house. The Buffett kids grew up without pretension; money wasn’t the way they measured their parents’ love.
Each Buffett sibling received a letter from their father in which he wrote: "I consider myself lucky to have three children who want to spend much of their time and energy working on projects that will benefit others. I am proud of what you are doing and your mother would be proud as well. Love, Dad."
I like this man, in spite of his wealth.
He also never believed that giving money to his children equates with giving them love. He wanted them to carve out their own path and believed that "setting them up with unlimited wealth is harmful and an anti-social act."
His decision to donate nearly $37 billion to the Gates Foundation may have shocked the world, but it came as no surprise to his three children, whom he had consulted first.
"The truth is it would be insane to leave us that much money," said Susan Buffett. "It just would be."
Buffett gave $1 billion to his children's three charitable foundations: the Susan A. Buffett Foundation, which focuses on early education for children of low-income families; the Howard G. Buffett Foundation, which has helped 42 countries; and the Novo Foundation, Peter Buffett's organization for democracy. They each draw a salary from their work.
The Buffett kids grew up in a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house in Omaha Nebraska. They attended local elementary and high schools . Their friends were neighborhood kids who actually played without needing play dates or being chauffered from house to house. The Buffett kids grew up without pretension; money wasn’t the way they measured their parents’ love.
Each Buffett sibling received a letter from their father in which he wrote: "I consider myself lucky to have three children who want to spend much of their time and energy working on projects that will benefit others. I am proud of what you are doing and your mother would be proud as well. Love, Dad."
I like this man, in spite of his wealth.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
The Business Side of Marriage
If you have a business partner, you expect to share information about your business. However, most of us don’t think of our marriage as a business although it has an eerily similar structure minus, of course, the love, romance and illusion of living happily ever after.
Consider that a business has income, expenses, assets, liabilities,
taxes and net worth.So does a marriage. That’s why marriages need
financial intimacy.We don’t start a business or go into marriage
expecting that it might fail. But both fail at alarmingly high rates,
albeit for different reasons.
It’s counter intuitive to think about widowhood or divorce when you’re getting married. Few women do. But I’ve written over the years that letting one partner manage all the money sets the other partner up for financial vulnerability. Too often, the partner with her head in the sand is the woman.
Being in love often makes rational thinking difficult. We women who love and trust our partners make certain romantic assumptions. For example, we assume our mate is making financial choices that will benefit us both. Sometimes he is; sometimes he isn’t. Sometimes he assumes we don’t want to be involved. Other times, he doesn’t want us to be involved.
Here’s the bottom line: In the nine community property states ,husband and wife share responsibility for financial decisions.
Do I understand what my partner is doing financially?
Do we regularly discuss our finances together?
How would I manage if I were widowed or divorced?
Do I sign documents without understanding them?
Do I know the location of all our financial records?
Download the ebook for $2.99 to get all the information about the business side of marriage.
http://www.financialintimacy.com/buy-the-book.html
It’s counter intuitive to think about widowhood or divorce when you’re getting married. Few women do. But I’ve written over the years that letting one partner manage all the money sets the other partner up for financial vulnerability. Too often, the partner with her head in the sand is the woman.
Being in love often makes rational thinking difficult. We women who love and trust our partners make certain romantic assumptions. For example, we assume our mate is making financial choices that will benefit us both. Sometimes he is; sometimes he isn’t. Sometimes he assumes we don’t want to be involved. Other times, he doesn’t want us to be involved.
Here’s the bottom line: In the nine community property states ,husband and wife share responsibility for financial decisions.
Do I understand what my partner is doing financially?
Do we regularly discuss our finances together?
How would I manage if I were widowed or divorced?
Do I sign documents without understanding them?
Do I know the location of all our financial records?
Download the ebook for $2.99 to get all the information about the business side of marriage.
http://www.financialintimacy.com/buy-the-book.html
Financial Abuse is a Woman's Problem
Many people Google the phrase ‘financial abuse’ and find their way to my website. I can’t tell how many of the searches are by women, but I’ll bet most of them are.
They search for information because they are trapped in relationships in which they fear their mate, or don’t know their legal rights. Perhaps they fear for their children and don’t know where to get help. They also know that their mate is capable of escalated abuse.
Many wives suffer in silence, thinking that such controlling behavior is a personality quirk. It’s not a quirk; it’s a sign and you should pay attention to it. It’s not protective; it’s not loving. It’s a desire to control the relationship.
That’s why it’s important for women to understand that financial control can be a precursor to physical and emotional abuse. Women find out too late that the husband or boyfriend who won’t talk about money is saying “I’m in charge here and I refuse to discuss it”.
If you’re married and in a community property state, you are legally entitled to know what’s happening financially in your marriage.
Where do you draw the line?
You may know someone whom you suspect is financially abused. On the other hand, you may not know that your sister or neighbor, acquaintance or friend is a financial hostage because she won’t tell you. She’s afraid to rock the boat, fearful for her children, knowing that her hands are tied financially.
You may know her husband, and never suspect a thing. He’s not out of control or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He can be charming, an upstanding member of the community, the life of the party. He can also be a control freak with the intent to isolate his wife into a state of total financial dependence.
Signs of Financial Abuse
Controlling the finances.
Withholding money or credit cards.
Giving you an allowance.
Making you account for every penny you spend.
Stealing from you or using your money without asking.
Exploiting your assets for personal gain
Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)
If something about your relationship with your husband or partner scares you and you need to talk, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to Http://www.nrcdv.org
If you know someone who needs this information, please pass it on. It could be a life saver.
They search for information because they are trapped in relationships in which they fear their mate, or don’t know their legal rights. Perhaps they fear for their children and don’t know where to get help. They also know that their mate is capable of escalated abuse.
Many wives suffer in silence, thinking that such controlling behavior is a personality quirk. It’s not a quirk; it’s a sign and you should pay attention to it. It’s not protective; it’s not loving. It’s a desire to control the relationship.
That’s why it’s important for women to understand that financial control can be a precursor to physical and emotional abuse. Women find out too late that the husband or boyfriend who won’t talk about money is saying “I’m in charge here and I refuse to discuss it”.
If you’re married and in a community property state, you are legally entitled to know what’s happening financially in your marriage.
Where do you draw the line?
You may know someone whom you suspect is financially abused. On the other hand, you may not know that your sister or neighbor, acquaintance or friend is a financial hostage because she won’t tell you. She’s afraid to rock the boat, fearful for her children, knowing that her hands are tied financially.
You may know her husband, and never suspect a thing. He’s not out of control or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He can be charming, an upstanding member of the community, the life of the party. He can also be a control freak with the intent to isolate his wife into a state of total financial dependence.
Signs of Financial Abuse
Controlling the finances.
Withholding money or credit cards.
Giving you an allowance.
Making you account for every penny you spend.
Stealing from you or using your money without asking.
Exploiting your assets for personal gain
Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)
If something about your relationship with your husband or partner scares you and you need to talk, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to Http://www.nrcdv.org
If you know someone who needs this information, please pass it on. It could be a life saver.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Love and 'Real' Diamonds
Can he really love you if he buys you a ‘fake’ diamond?
What is a ‘real’ diamond? Chemically, it’s a collection of tiny crystals of carbon which take millions of years to form. Physically, the diamond is a stone. Financially, it’s expensive. Emotionally, it’s become the symbol of love.
When diamond prices collapsed during the Great Depression, an advertising agency came up with the idea of linking diamonds to love. The larger the diamond, the greater the love.
Romancing the stone was a huge success, forever instilling in the consciousness of men and women that a diamond engagement ring means ‘real’ love and is a prerequisite to marriage.
Scientists now make diamonds in the laboratory by crushing carbon, graphite and a ‘diamond’ seed in a pressure cooker. Four days later, the crushed core is removed to reveal a man-made diamond inside. Identical to a mined diamond on all counts – structurally, optically and chemically.
Emotionally? Here lie the dragons.
Tiffany runs full page ads showing a diamond ring with the caption “This is What Love Looks Like” and “A Diamond is Forever’. Love is linked to this cluster of carbon – with no intrinsic value other than that it cost a lot to buy it.
I wonder how long it will take the ‘fake’ diamond industry to create an alternative narrative so couples can learn to start saving money before they marry.
Any ideas for an advertising campaign?
What is a ‘real’ diamond? Chemically, it’s a collection of tiny crystals of carbon which take millions of years to form. Physically, the diamond is a stone. Financially, it’s expensive. Emotionally, it’s become the symbol of love.
When diamond prices collapsed during the Great Depression, an advertising agency came up with the idea of linking diamonds to love. The larger the diamond, the greater the love.
Romancing the stone was a huge success, forever instilling in the consciousness of men and women that a diamond engagement ring means ‘real’ love and is a prerequisite to marriage.
Scientists now make diamonds in the laboratory by crushing carbon, graphite and a ‘diamond’ seed in a pressure cooker. Four days later, the crushed core is removed to reveal a man-made diamond inside. Identical to a mined diamond on all counts – structurally, optically and chemically.
Emotionally? Here lie the dragons.
Tiffany runs full page ads showing a diamond ring with the caption “This is What Love Looks Like” and “A Diamond is Forever’. Love is linked to this cluster of carbon – with no intrinsic value other than that it cost a lot to buy it.
I wonder how long it will take the ‘fake’ diamond industry to create an alternative narrative so couples can learn to start saving money before they marry.
Any ideas for an advertising campaign?
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